In One Year from now.....

In a year, I will have completed the Early Childhood Education program at Sheridan College.  I will be applying to jobs and hopefully get a few interviews.  I will start going to the gym or take up karate once again.  I will start writing "to do lists" more frequently.  I will try to get off my phone more and pay more attention to my kids.  I will stop talking to others about how my kids acted up and it irritated me in front of my kids like I did today.  I made the mistake my mother made with us.  It was confusing because she was so nice to my face and then to others she embarrassed me and talked about how horrible I was to gain sympathy from that other person and it made me feel bad.  Well, I did that to Sonja and hate myself for it.  I vow never to do that again when things are good, focus on the moment.  Sonja was mad and did not say good bye or look at me as she got on the bus this morning.  So, in a year from now, I hope I will not do that and that I win the love and respect of my children by not deceiving their emotions. I want to train myself to be more assertive and yet empathetic to their feelings.  I want to understand that in order for us to have a good relationship, I have to treat them like they are people with their own minds and feelings and not just an extension of myself.  That means I can not criticize them or put down their ideas and I have to watch what I say around other people and in their presence.  If I would not do it to a friend or a stranger or my husband, I should not do it to them.  I want to train myself to be more patient, relax more and start planning for our trip to Germany.

My ideal life in five years....

My ideal life in five years would be me living in a different house, perhaps in Burlington, Ontario.  I will be an ECE worker and hopefully employed within a school board and working in a kindergarten classroom. My kids will be more independent and have regular friends they hang out with.  I will be able to take either karate lessens again or dance lessons.  I will have gone to Germany for a visit and taken my kids to the caracalla swimbad, where Yoshe and I use to go when we visited Oma and Opa in Germany.  We will stay at Tante Elfrieda's house in Karlsruhe.  She may be dead at this time, but I am hoping my mom gets her house and we can come and visit her.  I would love to show my children what Baden Baden looks like and how it was a place of pure joy for me.  I want my kids to see some of the happiest moments in my childhood.  We will be comfortable and I will still be volunteering at an organization that helps new comers to Canada every now and then and I would like my kids to still be karate as well and get good grades in school and be happy.  I would hope to have a busy but happy life with my family in Burlington, where I am an ECE teacher and my husband has found another job in another company because this job is just overworking him and for what?! for nothing!!!!

List of things I want to do before I die.

GI am lately trying to do self help.  I am reading Mark Manson, My life's purpose book or pdf file.  Already in the introduction, he asks that we take 20 minutes to write a long list of things that we would like to do before we die.  Not all have them have to come true, but it is to get us brainstorming, so here it goes.

Things I would like to do before I die.

1.  Get my ECE certificate at Sheridan College by 2018
2.  Go to that skydiving place
3. Go horseback riding with the kids
4. Travel to Germany, to Baden Baden again with the kids, go to the Caracalla again but this time with my kids.
5. Get a job in the school board as an ECE worker.
6. Kiss another man to see what it feels like again, may be develop some feelings on both ends as well.
7. Learn some computer skills
8. make some new friends that will last this time, learn to connect with people by allowing myself to show and feel my vulnerability
9. Get a pedi with my daughter Sonja
10. Join once again a karate class and this time get my yellow belt
11. Explain what happened to Dan and hope that he can like me once again without judgement.
12. Take a trip with Yoshe and family
13. Go to a paint night at one of the local bars
14. Live a healthier lifestyle, more water, fruits, exercise
15. Learn to breath and relax a bit more.
16. Try to put away the phone and think about me and focus on what I want
17. Learn to dance the salsa, the mambo and swing
18. Help my kids find what their passion is and help them to achieve it
19. Grow a garden
20. Organize and declutter my place
21. Move from here to another area, maybe Burlington......
22. Communicate better with my husband and children
23. Find more time to spend time together.
24. Being able to drive on the highway and take a road trip
25. Going to Myrtle Beach again over the Christmas break
26. Giving more of myself and not worrying so much about money
27. Being able to stick up for myself and say what is on my mind.
28. Write a children's book a memoir to my kids
29. Start to paint a bit more again
30. Love myself

That is it for now.

THIS SUCKS!!!!

I hate this feeling.  I hate being like this!  I wanted to talk to my husband about if he ever gets bored sometimes in the relationship.  I don't know why I bother.  He flipped out.  I should have expected as much.  He took the conversation to a whole new level, one I did not want to go to.  He thought I was saying that I have a crush on someone else, which I do.  But, I would never act on and it just made me realize that I want some things to change in our relationship.

I often feel that he does not like me, he does not like my stories, he shuts me up etc.  He is not warm or loving.  Yet, I can call him and ask him to pick up groceries. Fine.  I can ask him to put kids to bed. Fine. I can ask him to drive me here or there. Fine.  But, we don't really talk or enjoy our time together.  I hate that.   He often complains.  He is not really happy.

I voiced that if we talked openly and honestly, we could fix things.  I asked him if perhaps, he could allow me every Sunday between 3 and 6, my time to do karate, get a coffee break, not come home right away.  In return, I would let him have his Tuesdays to do the same.

Then I asked if there was anything he would like to change and what would it be.  He said that there is something but he will not tell me (hence the dishonesty, that has been in our relationship for 8 yrs and this fight always comes back to this because I feel the coldness) he won't tell me because, it is fundamentally who I am and he will never change it.  I know what your thinking: Well, why did he marry you in the first place and why has he not divorced you yet or why is he even with you? Trust me, I am thinking the same thing.  He plants the seed in my head, but will not give me the full truth, which leaves me guessing, drives me crazy and makes me feel that he really does not like me.  Now, the truth is (my truth) is that he is with me because we have kids.  He loves our kids and I don't have a job or family that I could go to.  So, in that aspect, it is true, he is kind of trapped.  I hate that he is trapped.  But, I hate it even more that he will not tell me what that thing is about me that he doesn't like but he has decided to settle for it!  It makes me feel like shit, especially that he will not tell me and that I can't leave him, but I know that once the kids are out of the house, he just may divorce me over this thing that he will not tell me about, and I will always wonder what it is about me?

I also know that by doing this, he is being emotionally abusive.  I want a relationship where we can talk to each other.  Where I could tell him things but I can't. I try to be open with him, tell him everything, but he will get annoyed and tell me it's stupid talk etc.  I am lost.  I am also 38 yrs old.  I fear that it is too late to find someone else. I do not have a job. I struggle with being a mom, a good one anyway, I feel like this is it.  At 38.....I will never sleep with anyone else ever again.........I will never hear the words "I LOVE YOU" and really mean it from anyone else ever again.......and I will never feel sexy and attractive in the eyes of another man ever again.........Only 38 and I am done with innocent flirting and happy relationships and possibilities for a brighter future.  This is my life.......

He could have had an opportunity to have a real open and honest heart to heart discussion about our relationship but he chose not too.........he doesn't want honesty in our relationship.........I am really heart broken about this.  I wish someone else had the answers to what I should do.  He is settling for me.  By him doing that makes me feel like shit because he has given me the little information that he doesn't like who I am, but it is what it is, he will not tell me.  He just has to put up with me.  I am sad.  I hate that he feels he has to "put up" with me and I wish I knew what it was and why he is doing this.

I lost respect for him tonight.  Why does he feel he has to stay with me when he really doesn't want to? Well, I know the answer to that, the kids, his parents........but, shouldn't that be a decision we make together and not one in which he keeps me as well in the dark?

My ADHD Child

  Markus has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.  We were afraid of him being labelled at school.  His french teachers had already started to label him.  So, we thought it would be best to get him out of the French immersion program and put him into a regular English school.  I was getting too many notes from his French teacher.  One note complained that he did not finish writing his notes in Science class, but it was taught in French.  One remark stated "he couldn't even finish writing on the computer" I did not like the "couldn't even" part of the letter.  It was almost as if the teacher forgot she was talking to the parent of her student.  She may be frustrated with this student.  But THAT student is MY child and I love him.  So, you can imagine, that did not sit well at all.  I felt it was a discouraging environment to be in.  Although, I like that the student population in that school is very small.

On Monday, week before halloween, he started going to Bruce Trails Public school with his sister.  Nearly two weeks.  He has had some struggles in adjusting.  We have had a lot of struggles at home with him fighting with us.....at just about anything. The fighting can be anything from, no tv right after school to get up in the morning and get dressed, brush your teeth etc.  These are difficult tasks for him and he gets distracted from one thing to the next.  This morning, I handed him a minecraft t-shirt to put on.  I help get Sonja dressed and when I came back, his shirt was still not on, but his mind drifted and in his mind, he was pretending he had a remote control and pretending his t-shirt was a video game with all the minecraft characters.  It was so frustrating.  Even when I said again "put that shirt on, we don't have time for this!" he replied, with a big, fat and loud "NO!" It is a daily struggle.

It breaks my heart, that he says that he is alone at recess.  At least at EW Foster, he had one friend, whom he always played with at recess.  Andrew lives down the street from us, so I told him we could still see Andrew any time.  They went trick or treating together.  I feel sad about pulling Markus away from the one friend that he had at that school.  But, I would like him to meet new people, but he struggles with making and keeping friends.  

I feel that if we support him more at home, he will be fine.  However, Tom yells at him and then expects Markus to apologize to him.  The truth is that I actually think Tom has ADHD as well, extreme moods and emotions, not thinking about what they are doing, jack of all trades, starting many jobs but never completing one, not being able to read body language or facial expressions that indicate annoyance, frustration, anger.  Tom has a hard time with being supportive and understanding. It is like I have accepted it and I know I can't ask for much in terms of support and understanding and so I feel alone.  I think Markus feels alone.  Last night, I wanted to put Markus to bed and read a book he has to for school "Thinking about ants".  Until, I heard Sonja crying.  After, we were done reading.  I told Markus that I would be right back, but I have to see why Sonja is upset.  I went to her room and she said "daddy left me alone, I don't want to be alone! he said that he would come back and he never did" I lay there with her for 10 minutes and then I told her that I have to check on Markus but I would come back in 10 minutes.  I went to check on Markus again.  We talked, he had the light on, so I turned it off again.  After 10 minutes, I told him, I have to check on Sonja.  I went to Sonja's room and she smiled at me for coming back.  I tickled her back for 5 minutes and she fell asleep.  Then, I went back to Markus and tickled his back.  

When I went downstairs to talk to Tom, he said that he did not come back because he wants them to be on their own.  I told him that he will never get their trust if he lies to them! Tom did not seem to understand the severity of what he is doing.  

Well, by morning both kids ended up in my bed.  It is a constant struggle with Markus and Tom and how he interacts with Sonja.  He can be aggressive and stand over the kids and yell with a mean and threatening look on his face to the kids and they are afraid of him.  I HAVE to interfere.  Of course, Tom complains that I interfere and I don't back him up.  But, what kind of mother would I be if I backed him up when he was being a bully?!  Now, I agree when he is mad and I agree with the reason he is mad, for example if Markus does not turn of the tv to when he is asked to come for dinner.  I quickly switch sides from Tom's side to the kids, when I see how mean Tom is with the kids, instead of parental.  This causes chaos and confusion.  My mother in law does not know that Markus has ADD and Tom does not want to tell his parents.  That makes me worry because if his parents get mad at the kids for not listening, Markus's grandpa will also say things like "I'm not going to do anything for you anymore!" and his mom will say to me "he gets away with too much, he needs a spanking!" If Tom just told his parents about ADD, they could be more understanding.  I fear we will damage that boys self esteem because we don't know what to do but insult Markus and make him feel not loved. Meanwhile, he feels like there is something wrong with him, he doesn't want to be that way but he doesn't know HOW to be another way.......

I hope someone reads this and sees that I am struggling and posts some information on ADHD and ways I can get help or ways I can help my son.  In the process, I feel guilty because I feel that I neglect Sonja.  I am lucky that they get along amazingly well with each other.  For that I am blessed, truly blessed. 

I would love to hear stories of people who are experiencing or have experienced these same issues, and what to do about it......I need to feel not alone right now.......

!0 things my husband has said to insult me.

1. He asked if a long time friend of the families "Frank" whom I had not spoken to in nearly a year, but one day he called me up and wanted to see me.  On boxing day, just before we were to leave the house.  Tom said "how do you think Frank thinks of you?" and "do you actually look at him as a friend?" and "do you think that he may not always like have the same conversations over and over again, about your dad? and your childhood?"  Meanwhile, Frank mentioned my dad by saying I miss him. He was my dad's best friend.  My dad was tragically hit by a car and eventually lost his life 4 yrs ago.  I don't know why Tom said it, other than to make me feel bad.  Not to mention, that during the time of my dad's death.  Tom did not sit with me endlessly in ICU, hoping and hoping he would make it.  Instead, he worked and worked some more.  Other than driving me around, he really wasn't that great to me during that time and neither were his parents.

2. When I asked him, what he would like for dinner, he said "Chicken Parmessan" I laughed and said sarcastically "yeah, I will get right on that!" Then he said "I am thinking of other things to say that would be impossible for you to make." Meanwhile, I have made fancy dishes many times before, but he does not remember it or would not say anything nice if he did notice it.

3. When I wanted to paint the basement wall, he made a comment that we would not last, our marriage because I can not paint and he did not paint with me and did not want to paint with me.

4. He said when I came to him with the idea at my son's request to build a giant lego guy in our son's room.  He said that he would do it because he wants it accurate and he knows I would not do a good job.  He wants the exact measurements. That I can understand, but when I wanted to paint in the black and outline, he said he doesn't want me to screw it up.

5. He has said over and over again in our marriage that he does not think I can do anything.  I am dependent on him. He does not trust me.

6.  In front of our son, he said that he does not trust me and he does not believe me.  He said this in regards to me helping our son with building lego.

7.

My 3 yr old

 I am a worrier! I worry all the time! That is one thing no one ever tells you in the parenting books.  I have been a worrier all my life, but it got worse about 8 yrs ago with the birth of my son.  I worry about "firsts".  With my son in school, I worry about friends.  Yesterday he said that he wandered the school yard alone.  He said it was his decision.  A part of me felt that this is a good thing.  It is not good to constantly NEED someone to play with.  Overall, he said that he still had a good day.  I should have been content with that.  But, I still wanted his dad to talk to him about it and see if it really was okay with him.

I worry that my daughter is bored at home and I want to prepare her for kindergarten.  Today, she went to a preschool class.  She goes just for the morning once a week.  She has not made any friends yet.  She also had a melt down because she did not want to share a toy and it took a while to calm her down.  I told the teacher that we were still working on it at home.  I worry what she will be like for kindergarten.  I do not ever want to discourage her strong willed personality, I just want her to see fairness and tone it down a bit.  Is that fair to ask?

Sonja was very proud that she made alphabet soup.  Which is just letters that she glued onto a plate.  When we got home, I wanted to try to make sock snowmen.  She got angry and so I put her down for a nap.  When will this worry stop? If ever?

I worry that if I do not find work than what will my daughter think of me? Does she mind that I want to spend every second of the day with her?  Does she want or need me as much?  Will she be okay in school?  Has Markus paved the way, so I know what to expect for her?  So many questions.  I love being a parent and I do love all the worry.  Overall, I just want my kids to have an easier childhood than I did.  They do not have to have an abundance of friends, I just don't want them to be bullied like I was either.  I thought I was over it.  With having school age children, I find it is all coming back to me.  I feel the heartache as if it happened to me yesterday and I feel it all over again.  I want my kids to be able to stand up for themselves and never discourage that.  But, how?

Enough, Sonja is sleeping.  It is raining and grey.  I need to stop worrying and for now just get myself a cup of coffee and relax!