Well, my mother is gone back to Germany. My son finished school. It got me thinking about how lately I have been a bundle of worry and anxiety. I would think what will I do with my kids this summer?! Markus's birthday is coming up, will it be a good birthday, even though we are just going camping with the family?! My mother has spent more time with my sister than me?! Will this summer be as good as last?! I have one more year before Sonja starts kindergarten, what will i do for work and when do I look for work and what work will i look for?! Oh my god, I will be 37 this year!!!!!
Anyway, today is officially the first day of summer vacation. My kids are upstairs on starfall and playing. We had breakfast together and later we will go to the library and see what programs are available and then to the supercenter to buy some groceries. As I was getting out of the shower with this list of things to do in my mind, I felt calm and happy. I can't complain. I have it good. So, I am not working, but I am with my children, one school age and one who has a year to go yet. Markus's birthday will be okay, he really just cares about cake and camping and his cousin will be there. So, I thought since my last few posts were kind of on the down side. I would write a list of why I have it good and how lucky I feel:
1. I have one more year to spend time with Markus and Sonja. In that time, I will do crafts with them, reading exercises, programs at the leisure centre, sports centre and swimming lessons and gymnastics. These are all things I can look forward to and know I have the time to drive them around and get them involved in the community or at least to attend certain programs.
2. My husband Tom does not pressure me and on some level he is happy that I am at home. He has said I make his life easier with me here for the kids and he doesn't have to worry and I don't have to worry about the well being of our children. They are fine. Tom is working and he likes his job. We are able to go somewhere every week end and spend quality time together as a family. These moments are fleeting and it will change, but we are lucky that we have them at all and we can cherish them now, while the kids are young and there is time. But, time will run out and at least we can look back one day and say. Man, this was worth it!
3. I live in an area with parks and splash pads are plentiful. There is a lot to do that is free for the kids. There is a lot of activities, a lot of conservation areas. It is a great place to keep fit and healthy.
4. I took Markus to see the inside out movie. It was just the two of us. We both loved the movie and we had a great time. I was thankful to spend this time with him where he still wants me around and says that he loves me. We really loved the movie. He still talks about it.
5. Sonja and Markus are both getting bigger, they can entertain themselves now. They play wonderfully together. I have time to write this post and I do have more time now to myself. They are not the type of kids that fight with each other and they have a good relationship. I hope it continues throughout life.
6, The basement is finished. Things are starting to get done around the house. With the help of Tom's dad, together they are building a purgala to provide shade in the back yard. I am seeing improvements in the garden and the kids can sit and watch a movie in the basement comfortably. I am starting to like this home and the amount of work we have put into making it a happy home.
7. I am thankful that we have the money to travel and that we were in Jamaica, Boston, Germany (with just Markus, Sonja did not exist yet) and Vancouver (again just Markus), Myrtle Beach, Washington, Pinehurst camp grounds (Sonja will not remember any of this, but she will have the pictures). We plan on going to Vermont this summer with friends that I have known since high school. If our kids do not get along, at least Markus and Sonja will have their cousins there by their sides.
8. I am grateful that we do have social media and I can keep in contact with family and friends that are far away and I could try to reach out even more. If I do have a dark day, I can go to social media and learn that I am not alone and others may feel the same way I do about friendship and motherhood. So, I am grateful for websites such as circle of moms, miltonmoms, the friendship blog with Irene, netmoms and many more.
9. Colour. I look around my place and it is filled with bright colours such as oranges and blues and yellows and bayish, purple's and greens's. Art work and crafts that I do and from my kids fill the walls, I keep all of it in a shoe box at the top of the shelve and one day, I will go through it with my grown kids and they will remember. I will keep everything and turn it into pieces of beautiful art that will one day fill their homes.
10. Finally, I do feel happy for everyone I have known, past and present. Some people caused me pain but they still helped shape me in some form. Some people, I may have caused pain and I wish I could take it back, but I did not know any better and my intentions were never to hurt. As I get older, I will not repeat the same mistakes and I will learn from them and I am sorry to whomever I caused pain, but it helped shape me and forced me to see. I will never forget my past friendships that are no more and have long withered away as time goes on. It is to these people I have learned and found meaning in my path and why I am here. I am glad for having known each and everyone that I no longer speak with, but I still think about. I am forever grateful that each one was with me in my life during a time that I needed him/her the most. Now, in my mind, I set these people free and know that at a time, the friendship was valuable and good and enriched me somehow. Now, it may be gone, but I look forward and welcome who may enter into the next phase of my life. I welcome it more so now than ever before with open and welcoming arms.
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