I have felt guilty and did not know why. I have felt "not good enough" as a mother, employee, person and I could not understand why. I have had my insecurities as young as I can remember and I thought I was always to blame. I did not feel worthy of love. Therefore, as a teenager and young adult I would seek it elsewhere. When I was 13, my mother let a boy who was 16 and kicked out of his home live with us. She always wanted to look like a do gooder in front of others. She wanted to be the "cool" mom of the neighbourhood. The kind of mom who helps others out. Well, in that time that he lived with us, he made advances at me and I admit, one night I snuck downstairs and he took my virginity. Do I regret it years later? yes. Now, that I have a daughter, I want' to prevent that from happening to my family. I will worry about the feelings of my husband and children but what others think of me does not matter. It took me a long time to realize this. I still struggle today because growing up, I often heard "no one else does that" or "what would others think". If I cried I was looked at as the problem and was ignored. My twin sister on the other hand was dotted upon, she could do no wrong. Her accomplishments were rewarded and mine were diminished. But, if I failed at something, I seemed to get more attention. It almost confirmed my mother's feelings that I was a failure and her tone would change. I sometimes felt that she enjoyed it when I failed or was sad. I was the Scapegoat and my sister the Golden child. I realized this today.
Last night, something did not feel right to me and this morning it was confirmed, when my mother called me at 7pm and implied to my husband that she had tried to call me all day. Then, with me on the phone, she told me to call her during the day and that she was free. Then she talked to my daughter and told me out of all her grandchildren, she likes my daughter the most. Yesterday, she called once and that was 2 minutes before she called my husband's phone. Anyway, today, I called her and she told me that I woke the baby (she is taking care of my sister's child). Then, she let me go because she had no time to talk. This evening, I called my sister and they were going to Costco, without our mother, she was tired. But, she said she would like to go. So, I said, we could go this week end. Without answering me, she said I could go during the week with Yoshe (sister). It doesn't have to me this week end. Then, she let me go, she was too tired. She did not consider my feelings and that I may like to go and it would give us plans this week end. She dismissed me and went straight to Yoshe.
I did a lot of research today on Narcissism and I was raised by a narcissist.
I began to grief the loss I feel. My relationship is not what I thought. She blamed me and made sure I took the blame and denied any feelings I had. She was able to criticize but the moment I criticize her or tell her genuine feelings, she can not handle it and will end the conversation. This is typical behaviour of a narcissist. I began to cry. I am 36 and I don't know who I am. But, I do feel relief that I now understand the emotional abuse I went through and the reasons I always felt guilty. On the outside to others, she looked like a wonderful mother, who just happened to have a "bad seed" daughter. Well, I will not confront her. She lives in Germany, so there is no point. I am glad she does. But, in my mind today, there was a death of the relationship I thought I had with her and now know that it was not real, it was insincere and dishonest. I have to heal on my own and on my terms. Do I seek therapy? I don't know.
Here are a few links to the websites I viewed today and the characteristics of a narcissistic mother, which my mother exhibits nearly everyone. She is sensitive...to her feelings but not to mine. That is one characteristic. So here you go:
http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parent
http://echorecovery.blogspot.ca/2013/08/healing-from-narcissistic-mother.html
I write for myself. Myself to heal. I hope this helps.
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