1. People assume that if you stay home, you chose to stay at home and quit a high paying job to do so. But, if you stay home, it is because hubby makes enough so you don't have to and that is pretty great to be thought of as financially well off. However, it is not always a choice. In my circumstance, I will break it down:
- Lack of family support
- Only a little money would go into my account after daycare was paid, it was not worth it to be away from my kids for at the end of a pay cheque, I only get $30.00 a day out of it or less.
- I never had a high paying job to begin with and I did not have a lot of working experience, therefore, i did not have a high skill set, so all I was equipped for was retail, secretarial etc
- We made sacrifices, hubby and I don't spend time together, we don't do romantic getaways, we don't go on a lot of vacations, maybe for a week once every two years. Instead we may do day outings with play places for the kids, nature walks, get memberships to conservation areas. We may do a dinner with the two of us once every 7 or 8 months, where the kids go to the grandparents for a sleep over. Hubby does all home renovations and improvements himself and with his dad.
2. I should be happy because there is no greater joy then being with your kids and they grow so fast. These will be rewarding years for them. Well, it is true. I feel lucky, I can watch my children grow and I know it is fleeting, which is why I love it when they choose to come into my bed at night and sleep with me. It won't be forever! However, I sometimes feel I need a break. I am always with my kids. I think they need a break from me! I feel lonely and isolated a lot. I can not talk to my mom or sister...well...because of the reasons I am writing this list. My mom felt she always had to work because my dad was not a fix it guy and he had a disability preventing him from doing a lot of higher paying jobs, but he was intelligent and university educated which my mother is not. My mother always struggled to raise us financially with the little they had and I do not struggle financially the same way. Yes, I am lucky! but, I am lonely, irritable, frustrated and feel isolated and like I bother hubby because I want to talk to him about ANYTHING really, I just want someone to talk back instead of ME being the only one talking at people and my children are wonderful but are still too young for conversations surrounding politics, hypotheticals and science.
3. Again, I should feel happy because my husband takes care of us and works for this family to survive. Well, how would you like it if every time you were in a fight, he would throw it in your face that he makes the money. He doesn't actually say that, but yesterday over the shelves he said he was not taking me to IKEA, even though for me it meant that we could have time with just each other while my mom and sister watched the kids. He decided he did not want to go! He buys a bunch of crap online without asking because it is his money, but he will notice if I overspend on something. When in a fight, he threatens divorce and says that he doesn't see any motivation in me and does not think I can do anything, that I need him but he doesn't need me. He says this knowing that I only have my mother and sister and both of them would be on his side because they like him more than my brother in law because of the money he makes and the way he is able to provide for this family. He knows that if I do complain, my mother will give me a lecture on how to be a good housewife so that does not happen like she did yesterday.
How would you like if you told your husband your insecurities, fears, and frustrations about your abilities, your resentment towards your own family, your most inner feelings and then he would expose them to your own family, to make you lose it and then you come out looking crazy?! You can't trust your husband with your heart because he will use it against you in a fight, yet when kids come home, I am forced to smile and not put them through that. My kids will never know my loneliness. What about when hubbies parents come over and start gardening and working and I am left alone to entertain kids again on week ends, when that is all I do during the week as well. Then, he condescends me in front of parents and he knows I will not say anything because then I will make things awkward.
- No romantic connection
- Husband who is a bully but is able to fix house, financially responsible, ability to communicate effectively and looks very good in the eyes of others
- No sympathy or support from old fashioned mom and sister
- No support or concern for my interests and help in trying to make me a better person (that will have to wait until both kids are in school and I can work on it on my own).
4. I should be happy because I am in the safety of my home and I do not have to deal with the politics and bullying in many workplaces. However, what people do not realize is that the longer you are at home without support or concern from others, the more isolated I become (not everyone is this way). So, you tend to lose your communication skills. It is hard to explain things accurately and effectively and you are not as articulate as you once were. I may know that I am angry, frustrated, husband has been a bully and neglected me yet again. But, it is hard for me to describe or articulate to someone else even a professional on what happened and why I am feeling this way. I may have been manipulated by husband because he took thoughts and feelings I revealed to him and used them against me or put them in another context. Also, the embarrassment I feel because on the outside to others we look good, a good looking family. So, how do I articulate what as happened in a fight other than a bunch of words were said, but I don't know what they were. He will always come out the winner based on my confusion of the events because of the words I had once said and switched and turned around and put into a context that he came up with.
5. I shouldn't complain because other people have it worse. Yes, I know! I was not really trying to compare, but....ahhhh....never mind.....I just feel sad okay!
6. I shouldn't complain because I have beautiful children that need me. That is true, my children are beautiful, when they are sleeping, when they are in good moods, when I am in a good mood, when they are invited to birthday parties, when they feel a part of a group, when the sun is shinning. But, not, when they are screaming because I gave them vanilla cake instead of chocolate, when I was a second late at the bus stop, when I won't let my son have video games and when they JUST DO NOT WANT TO GO TO BED!
7. I shouldn't complain because I get to work on my parenting and I have a lot of time such as writing this blog. This is true. Except for when I am cleaning, when they are crying and I have a pounding headache, when they are telling me I am a bad mommy. Mothers in general need a lot of self control when dealing with a 6 yr old temper tantrum. I have to cook, cleaning never ends and I do not get a thank you, nor do I ever get flowers and nor will my husband ever give me a compliment telling me I am beautiful or a good mother or my food. My husband has the personality type where criticism's come easier to him and he notices more what is wrong with you than what is right! So, what am I doing all this for, I am doing it for a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old but no one really cares!
Parents judge you more because they think if you are at home, you should somehow be a better mom because you have the time. I may have more time, but I also have more frustrations, less communication skills and the skills are dying, I feel robotic and I should be programmed to love this and be thankful, I lose sense of self identity and I have to fight away self hatred on a daily basis! Then I have to still ask in the most loving way "How was school today? Anything exciting? Tell me one good thing and one bad thing!"
8. I have lots of time to work on the things I love. This is tied into 8. I can but I have lost sight of what that is and every week end we have my husbands parents over and they take over with gardening, with everything, making me feel in the way, because they are so quick with everything that I don't have a chance to be alone with hubby, bounce ideas off of him, when I do something such as a craft, no one notices it is there and I get "why are you doing this". It is useless and I feel useless and he and his parents speak Polish to one another. They ask me where they should put this and that and make me feel like I have some say when In reality I do not. I do not even have my name on this house, because my husband told me when we bought this house that it looks bad if I sign because I am a stay at home mom. Mean while I learned later, that lots of stay at home moms have their name listed on the house as well. I sometimes secretly think hubby planned it that way.
9. I have a nice home, I own a lot of things that makes it a nice living environment if I am going to be home anyway. I made it as nice as it is and no one cares. I do not have a lot of friends that come over. I feel that most people are strangers and I treat them as such but I am always polite. I am very shy. I am very anxious. I like my home and yes, I do feel lucky that I created this space and I did it for my kids and for the possibility of selling so, I can get out of this rural place.
10. You shouldn't complain, because I would love to have what you have. The grass is always greener on the other side. I am sure you experience bullying at work and politics, my sister is experiencing that right now from her principal. But, I would not tell you you don't have a right to complain because you are lucky to have a job. I deal with bullying at home as well and house politics (yes this is also because of who I married). Here is a fact: I am lucky I don't have to RUSH back to work and that I get to experience my children. Another fact: I feel under appreciated, no skill set, lack of family support and communication skills, lack of uninterrupted time do get a resume or studying done. During, writing this post I have been interrupted over 10 times and I started it at 8 this morning and now it is almost 11am. Another fact: I wish my marriage was different, I wish my husband was different but I still love him, can't turn it off, I just want him to love me the same as I love him, but he would rather be alone than with me. I feel neglected and, Another fact: YES, THIS ENTIRE LIST IS A COMPLAINT. I am NOT really SORRY!
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