My mother and I

My mom is visiting from Germany.  She is staying with my twin to help her take care of her kids, walk her son to and from school and take care of the baby.  That sort of thing while my sister and her husband work.  She stays with them during the week and sees me on weekends.  She is only here for a month.  This week end she was with me.  We fought.  We can't seem to get along.  Sometimes, I made our relationship look great to others, but the reality is that I had problems with her since I can remember and it just gets worse as I got older.  It makes me sad.  I try to analyze why? why? I have looked up on google "Narcissistic moms".  Yet, she does not have all the characteristics of a narcissist.  Then, I wonder if I am one.  I, as well do not have all the characteristics, but to an extent, we all hold a few.  I do think that, I did have an expectation this week end and when it did not go as planned, I felt disappointed. Here is a run down of the troubles that we encountered this week end:

1. She convinced me to buy a hair colour that was not really the one I wanted.  When I told her the one I did want, she snapped "oh c'mon! that would not look good at all!"  So, when we died my hair, there was no difference.  I died it my natural colour and it may have covered the one or two grey hairs that I did have.
2. I asked her if she wanted to see dad's grave this weekend.  She told me she would call a friend, because a friend of hers had asked her to see dad's grave.  So, I planned that we go to Tom's folks, then we go to her friends and then to dad's grave.  As we were in the car driving, she told us that she did not phone her friend.  When I asked why.  Her tone became angry right away "When have I had time?!" 
3. Then, for Sunday, I wanted to take her to a place where we can walk, have a picnic, check out the falls and then after that go to Starsky's and have a wine and cheese and buy cutlets for dinner.  But, she invited my in laws over to work on the deck, gardening for early afternoon.  I had also invited a friend of my son's, but if we had to go earlier now, the friend would not go as it would be to early for them.  So, I told my mom that I have to text my friend.  My mom said "I don't even want to go with them" and I told her that I was more or less doing it for my son, just like I am have my in laws over for my mother.  My mom lost it, she was so angry with me.  My husband said that he could call and cancel and my mother yelled "Don't you dare! if you do, I will not come to visit you anymore! EVER!" So, I said no, I just wish you would have asked if it was okay before making plans with them.  It turned out well, but all through out the walk, she was upset.  She walked slowly.  She would not look at me.  She talked to my husband. But, I was always keeping them aware of the timing.
4. We have different memories of my childhood.  She remembers my twin being the one in special ed and they had to fight for her to do better in school.  She did well in school inspite of the school system, not because of it.  I remember being in special ed as well and for the same length of time that twin was.  I remember dropping out of math and my mother was sleeping and did not bat an eye lash, yet she says she was angry and did not like it.  Either way, she invalidates my feelings and I can not even tell my husband or kids of my childhood because my memories according to my mother never happened.  It is very confusing.
5. She was comparing my son to my daughter and talked about how much she loved my daughter, right in front of my son. My son did not even give her a hug good bye.  But, my mom did not come to me to give me a hug either

The worst part is, that I know she may feel sad but, she would still feel that I had wronged her.  I could have softened my tone, that is true.  I felt mean with her as well.  I felt there were some things that I could have let go.  She told me I was like her mother.  But, I know how much she hates her mother. I know she thinks I am an awful daughter who keeps wronging her.  I try to think about how it got so bad and my husband said that somewhere along the lines in my childhood, things happened, but she is also responsible for the relationship she has with me.  It is what it is.  It takes two people to have a relationship and it is never just one sided.  So, when a relationship goes awry, it is never just one person.  Especially in a mother/daughter relationship.  Therefore, since she came first, she had a hand in how she chose this relationship to go.  

She has a good one with my twin sister.  I wonder why it is so different.  Perhaps, my sister tried to please her more, listened more, was easier to handle.  All of these things, which she has told me. 

I cried last night.  It has been a bad week.  The weather has not helped much either.  I cried because I worry that my relationship with my kids may be like it is with my mother.  I want a good relationship with them.  I love them more then anything.  I would like to think that if they got annoyed with me or irritated that I would not jump on them for the tone they used.  I would like to think that I would be stronger than that and understand that no matter what my children say and do and at any age, they need my love, not my anger, resentment or hate, but they need my love, respect and to know that they can do what ever they want and I will always go to hug them and love them more than ever.  I think my dad understood that.  I was awful to him.  I wish I could take it all back and say I am sorry and that I miss him and that I love him and that I know he did the best he could with what he had at the time.  But, no matter how I treated him, he did not make me feel bad or guilty.  He just loved me.  I hope I will do the same for my children.  That is the strength that it takes as a parent.