At the same time, I felt apprehensive about leaving the kids with my mother and sister as I do not trust them. My mother is narcissistic. I may be a bit as well. I may have inherited that quality. I don't know. But, I do know, that I do not like my mother very much. My mistake was in telling her about my argument with my husband last night. She tells me the problem is me and that since I am at home I have to be a better housewife. She compares my husband to my brother in law and that my brother in law will never make as much money as my husband. That is when I got mad, because I don't want to compare husbands. I fight with my husband every time my mother visits from Germany. Every time, I get anxiety. I feel my husband does not understand that, or maybe he does and he sees an opportunity to use my anxiety against me and makes me feel that he is on my mother's side. Perhaps, I married a narcissistic person because I was raised by one.
I think for the first time in my life, I contemplated suicide. I looked up websites about when people make that final decision and how they come to that decision. I thought about it seriously and then how do people do it? what about when children are involved. Are the children the only ones that love me? Then I think are my feelings even "real?" My husband tried to tell me that I am crazy and should be handled like a mental person. That comment made me crazy!
Here is what I know:
- Rejection
- hopelessness
- pain
- lost
- isolated
- numb
- exhausted
- lonely
- i don't matter and that my feelings may not even be "real" but they seem "real" but maybe they are not and I am crazy.
- feeling of wanting to give up, helplessness
- Anger, lots of it.
What should I do? Where do I go?
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