This is a difficult post for me. I need a place to vent. This is about my marriage and feeling alone. I know the fights will pass and it may be good again. But, the pattern repeats again and again. The secret of my marriage and I wonder if other marriages have their secrets, but to the outside world, the couple or family look perfect?
I wish there was a place to vent, a place where this could be openly talked about among women. I don't have a husband who is physical with me. My husband cooks on the week ends and makes me coffee in the mornings (only when I ask), he fixes things (on his slow time) then complains that I do not give him time because I want help with getting kids to bed and he wants to watch "the walking dead." So, he wants his own time as well and he gets it. But, still blames me when I need his time, that he has no time to fix things. Yet, we have had neighbours that see him working around the house and tell him "you should talk to my husband" or we have husbands saying "you are making me look bad to my wife" then the laugh and laugh. Meanwhile, in that moment, I like watching him fix things, he is a handy man. He can fix a car. He can tile a floor, drywall, redo a basement from scratch. He is well read. Very smart. If he does not understand something, he figures it out and tries to find out the answers. For that, I love him and hope that my son can get those qualities as well.
However, the big secret is that when he is angry, which can happen suddenly, I caught him at a bad moment. I said something that annoyed him. The kids are demanding his time. Our oldest son will not listen and is a typical 7 yr old and refuses to do his homework or clean his room. Tom gets very mad, where he breaks things, hits the kids, says mean things and will not talk to me or the kids.
When we go somewhere together, we are together, but he is in his own world. I am still the one with the kids, asking him to help...if he hears me...which sometimes he looks right through me as if he heard and he did not and we may lose Sonja somewhere. She wandered off while I asked him to watch her so I could escape to the bathroom....then he gets furious with me and tells me that I did not ask him.
Well, Last night the kids were watching a movie. He was upstairs watching "the walking dead" and I was doing dishes and laundry. I went into the office to tell him that we had not received the voting card to vote yet. It was around 7pm. He got so angry with me and said that he can see me throwing the voting card out. That we probably did get it and I threw it away. Then he said things like "I am busy watching here and you just come in and disturb me!" then he yelled a few "Fuck you's" at me. I got on the phone with elections Canada and I found out that although, they had our new address on file, they had sent it to our old address. I was told that we could still vote and that it closed at 8pm. So, the movie had just ended for the kids "Ghostbusters." I grabbed everyone and got them in the car. We had 20 minutes to get there before closing time. We voted last night, just in time and there was not a long line up and things were winding down for the day.
So, we came home, walked the dog and got the kids ready for bed. I wanted him to read some French books with Markus and if possible to get Markus to read it himself, while I put Sonja to sleep. Well, I heard yelling coming from the other room. I rushed to Markus and he was crying and Tom was ready to punch him. His face was stone cold. Tom told me that when he asked Markus to read, Markus said "not happening." After a pause, I said that that is what Tom says often when the kids want something from him. Without explanation Tom says: not happening. So, Markus threw it back in Tom's face. Markus told me then that dad had called him a brat and hit him. So, I read a story to Sonja and Markus and both of them slept in my bed with me last night as I put them to bed. Then, I feel I have to over compensate with lots of hugs and kisses for the lack of warmth they get from their dad. Granted, Markus is or can be difficult. I don't always know if it is typical 7 yr old behaviour and I get very frustrated with him for not doing the things he should be doing like homework and cleaning his room. Those are the only two things we ask of him. Anyway, last night after they were sleeping tom told me "you are an unfit mom and you are raising them wrong." I was mad when he said that. He throws his weight around here with breaking things, throwing insults, making my kids and me feel bad. Then this morning he left without hugs and kisses and goodbyes for his kids. My kids are learning that love comes with conditions from him. Tom will blame me if the kids prefer me over him. Yet, this is the reason why. I love them in their good moments and I am there for them in their bad moments. Tom is only there in the kids good moments and in his good moment. If they are bad, then he man handles them, makes them and myself feel that he can just take his love away in a moments notice. He does this to keep us on our toes.
The thing is, that I do think that is how his parents raised him. They are not the most educated. In fact, his parents give me a headache and all you can talk about is the weather with them. His dad said over thanksgiving, using a pumpkin pie as an example, that he is voting conservative and just like the pumpkin pie, he does not need to know the recipe to know that he likes it. In other words, he was saying that he does not know what the conservatives stand for, he just has always voted that way. If we brought up issues such as healthcare, aboriginals, refuges, income splitting etc, all the things that do not benefit them, actually work against them. His dad will respond with "I am an old man, what do you want from me?" In other words, I don't want to know. I just do things the way I do them.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Even today, she sends Tom articles on politics and technology, but not me. When I ask her why, she says that she does not think I would be interested. In other job, my job is to raise the kids, leave the thinking to Tom. My mom thinks I am lucky that I am able to stay home because of Tom. She has said the only job I have is to raise the kids. This view leaves me feeling isolated and lonely.
I feel if I was raised better, I would have had a better father and husband for my children and for myself. Then, I think that things could be worse and that I am not a battered woman or anything. But, I am ashamed that I have a husband who man handles the kids, calls them names, breaks things and pulls any ounce of love he has away from us as an attempt to "put us in our place."
Yesterday, I had the thought that if he died and I had to give a speech at his funeral, I would not be able to recall any real and kind and genuine things that he has said to me. I may remember him saying "you are unfit" and "you are raising the kids wrong" and "I don't think you are capable of doing things on your own" and "if you want to get along with my parents, think of them as tools. You pick them up when you need them and put them down when you don't. That is how I am able to maintain a relationship with them." Well, actually the last bit, as been quite helpful and useful to me because if I do think of them like that, I do not get so emotionally invested and things they do or say do not bother me as much and I can move on. Now, I understand the relationship more and it has helped me with my responses to them and with how to get what I need from them. However, I fear that someday, I may be telling my children to think of their dad that way in order to maintain a workable relationship with him. I feel, I have to think of my husband in the same manner in order to feel thankful. It is the relationship he is creating with me and his kids. Then, I start to doubt myself and think maybe most couples are like this. Maybe to an extent that is what respect is: treating everyone like a tool. Then, move on.
I wish I could do that better then. I wonder how other marriages are. Do the woman raise the children by themselves for the most part. Is that where that expression came from: I feel like a single mother even if you are not. But, is that not insulting to single moms? They actually do have it harder. At least I can stay home but it does not take the loneliness away.
So, there it is: My shameful secret.
My husband yells, breaks things, swears, keeps us on our toes and does not kiss or hug his kids. But, he builds lego and rides bikes and does a lot with out son if I ask him to, in front of other people and if our son is behaving desirable for his liking. Narcissistic traits.
I do love my husband, but he is mean. I wish it was different. Perhaps I am also a narcissist because I want others to see that I have a wonderful marriage and family and therefore I keep it a secret. I want to stay home and care for my kids and I want to be a better mom for them, because I yell as well. But, I try my best.
I am not perfect. But, I still feel that I am not an unfit mom. I was raised in a poor neighborhood, where parents would beat their kids. Tom has never experienced this. So, being "soft" meaning warm to your kids, hugging and kissing them makes me "unfit" in his eyes because I did not want to force Markus to read. I just want peace at home and to choose my battles. Getting him to do homework at 9 at night is not a fight I want to choose. Bedtime should be soothing and calming.
Do other marriages go through this? I wish i knew other couples secrets as well.
