My 3 yr old

 I am a worrier! I worry all the time! That is one thing no one ever tells you in the parenting books.  I have been a worrier all my life, but it got worse about 8 yrs ago with the birth of my son.  I worry about "firsts".  With my son in school, I worry about friends.  Yesterday he said that he wandered the school yard alone.  He said it was his decision.  A part of me felt that this is a good thing.  It is not good to constantly NEED someone to play with.  Overall, he said that he still had a good day.  I should have been content with that.  But, I still wanted his dad to talk to him about it and see if it really was okay with him.

I worry that my daughter is bored at home and I want to prepare her for kindergarten.  Today, she went to a preschool class.  She goes just for the morning once a week.  She has not made any friends yet.  She also had a melt down because she did not want to share a toy and it took a while to calm her down.  I told the teacher that we were still working on it at home.  I worry what she will be like for kindergarten.  I do not ever want to discourage her strong willed personality, I just want her to see fairness and tone it down a bit.  Is that fair to ask?

Sonja was very proud that she made alphabet soup.  Which is just letters that she glued onto a plate.  When we got home, I wanted to try to make sock snowmen.  She got angry and so I put her down for a nap.  When will this worry stop? If ever?

I worry that if I do not find work than what will my daughter think of me? Does she mind that I want to spend every second of the day with her?  Does she want or need me as much?  Will she be okay in school?  Has Markus paved the way, so I know what to expect for her?  So many questions.  I love being a parent and I do love all the worry.  Overall, I just want my kids to have an easier childhood than I did.  They do not have to have an abundance of friends, I just don't want them to be bullied like I was either.  I thought I was over it.  With having school age children, I find it is all coming back to me.  I feel the heartache as if it happened to me yesterday and I feel it all over again.  I want my kids to be able to stand up for themselves and never discourage that.  But, how?

Enough, Sonja is sleeping.  It is raining and grey.  I need to stop worrying and for now just get myself a cup of coffee and relax!

The things in my marriage that are hard to talk about.

This is a difficult post for me.  I need a place to vent.  This is about my marriage and feeling alone.  I know the fights will pass and it may be good again.  But, the pattern repeats again and again.  The secret of my marriage and I wonder if other marriages have their secrets, but to the outside world, the couple or family look perfect?

I wish there was a place to vent, a place where this could be openly talked about among women.  I don't have a husband who is physical with me.  My husband cooks on the week ends and makes me coffee in the mornings (only when I ask), he fixes things (on his slow time) then complains that I do not give him time because I want help with getting kids to bed and he wants to watch "the walking dead." So, he wants his own time as well and he gets it.  But, still blames me when I need his time, that he has no time to fix things.  Yet, we have had neighbours that see him working around the house and tell him "you should talk to my husband" or we have husbands saying "you are making me look bad to my wife" then the laugh and laugh.  Meanwhile, in that moment, I like watching him fix things, he is a handy man.  He can fix a car.  He can tile a floor, drywall, redo a basement from scratch.  He is well read.  Very smart.  If he does not understand something, he figures it out and tries to find out the answers.  For that, I love him and hope that my son can get those qualities as well.

However, the big secret is that when he is angry, which can happen suddenly, I caught him at a bad moment.  I said something that annoyed him.  The kids are demanding his time.  Our oldest son will not listen and is a typical 7 yr old and refuses to do his homework or clean his room.  Tom gets very mad, where he breaks things, hits the kids, says mean things and will not talk to me or the kids.

When we go somewhere together, we are together, but he is in his own world.  I am still the one with the kids, asking him to help...if he hears me...which sometimes he looks right through me as if he heard and he did not and we may lose Sonja somewhere.  She wandered off while I asked him to watch her so I could escape to the bathroom....then he gets furious with me and tells me that I did not ask him.

Well, Last night the kids were watching a movie.  He was upstairs watching "the walking dead" and I was doing dishes and laundry.  I went into the office to tell him that we had not received the voting card to vote yet.  It was around 7pm.  He got so angry with me and said that he can see me throwing the voting card out.  That we probably did get it and I threw it away.  Then he said things like "I am busy watching here and you just come in and disturb me!" then he yelled a few "Fuck you's" at me.  I got on the phone with elections Canada and I found out that although, they had our new address on file, they had sent it to our old address.  I was told that we could still vote and that it closed at 8pm.  So, the movie had just ended for the kids "Ghostbusters." I grabbed everyone and got them in the car.  We had 20 minutes to get there before closing time.  We voted last night, just in time and there was not a long line up and things were winding down for the day.

So, we came home, walked the dog and got the kids ready for bed.  I wanted him to  read some French books with Markus and if possible to get Markus to read it himself, while I put Sonja to sleep.  Well, I heard yelling coming from the other room.  I rushed to Markus and he was crying and Tom was ready to punch him.  His face was stone cold.  Tom told me that when he asked Markus to read, Markus said "not happening."  After a pause, I said that that is what Tom says often when the kids want something from him.  Without explanation Tom says: not happening.  So, Markus threw it back in Tom's face.  Markus told me then that dad had called him a brat and hit him.  So, I read a story to Sonja and Markus and both of them slept in my bed with me last night as I put them to bed.  Then, I feel I have to over compensate with lots of hugs and kisses for the lack of warmth they get from their dad.  Granted, Markus is or can be difficult.  I don't always know if it is typical 7 yr old behaviour and I get very frustrated with him for not doing the things he should be doing like homework and cleaning his room.  Those are the only two things we ask of him.  Anyway, last night after they were sleeping tom told me "you are an unfit mom and you are raising them wrong."  I was mad when he said that.  He throws his weight around here with breaking things, throwing insults, making my kids and me feel bad.  Then this morning he left without hugs and kisses and goodbyes for his kids.  My kids are learning that love comes with conditions from him.  Tom will blame me if the kids prefer me over him.  Yet, this is the reason why.  I love them in their good moments and I am there for them in their bad moments.  Tom is only there in the kids good moments and in his good moment.  If they are bad, then he man handles them, makes them and myself feel that he can just take his love away in a moments notice.  He does this to keep us on our toes.

The thing is, that I do think that is how his parents raised him.  They are not the most educated.  In fact, his parents give me a headache and all you can talk about is the weather with them.  His dad said over thanksgiving, using a pumpkin pie as an example, that he is voting conservative and just like the pumpkin pie, he does not need to know the recipe to know that he likes it.  In other words, he was saying that he does not know what the conservatives stand for, he just has always voted that way.  If we brought up issues such as healthcare, aboriginals,  refuges, income splitting etc, all the things that do not benefit them, actually work against them.  His dad will respond with "I am an old man, what do you want from me?" In other words, I don't want to know.  I just do things the way I do them.

I was raised by a narcissistic mother.  Even today, she sends Tom articles on politics and technology, but not me.  When I ask her why, she says that she does not think I would be interested.  In other job, my job is to raise the kids, leave the thinking to Tom.  My mom thinks I am lucky that I am able to stay home because of Tom.  She has said the only job I have is to raise the kids.  This view leaves me feeling isolated and lonely.

I feel if I was raised better, I would have had a better father and husband for my children and for myself.  Then, I think that things could be worse and that I am not a battered woman or anything.  But, I am ashamed that I have a husband who man handles the kids, calls them names, breaks things and pulls any ounce of love he has away from us as an attempt to "put us in our place."

Yesterday, I had the thought that if he died and I had to give a speech at his funeral, I would not be able to recall any real and kind and genuine things that he has said to me.  I may remember him saying "you are unfit" and "you are raising the kids wrong" and "I don't think you are capable of doing things on your own" and "if you want to get along with my parents, think of them as tools.  You pick them up when you need them and put them down when you don't.  That is how I am able to maintain a relationship with them." Well, actually the last bit, as been quite helpful and useful to me because if I do think of them like that, I do not get so emotionally invested and things they do or say do not bother me as much and I can move on.  Now, I understand the relationship more and it has helped me with my responses to them and with how to get what I need from them.  However, I fear that someday, I may be telling my children to think of their dad that way in order to maintain a workable relationship with him.  I feel, I have to think of my husband in the same manner in order to feel thankful.   It is the relationship he is creating with me and his kids.  Then, I start to doubt myself and think maybe most couples are like this.  Maybe to an extent that is what respect is: treating everyone like a tool.  Then, move on.

I wish I could do that better then.  I wonder how other marriages are.  Do the woman raise the children by themselves for the most part.  Is that where that expression came from: I feel like a single mother even if you are not.  But, is that not insulting to single moms? They actually do have it harder.  At least I can stay home but it does not take the loneliness away.

So, there it is: My shameful secret.

My husband yells, breaks things, swears, keeps us on our toes and does not kiss or hug his kids.  But, he builds lego and rides bikes and does a lot with out son if I ask him to, in front of other people and if our son is behaving desirable for his liking.  Narcissistic traits.

I do love my husband, but he is mean. I wish it was different.  Perhaps I am also a narcissist because I want others to see that I have a wonderful marriage and family and therefore I keep it a secret.  I want to stay home and care for my kids and I want to be a better mom for them, because I yell as well.  But, I try my best.

I am not perfect.  But, I still feel that I am not an unfit mom.  I was raised in a poor neighborhood, where parents would beat their kids.  Tom has never experienced this.  So, being "soft" meaning warm to your kids, hugging and kissing them makes me "unfit" in his eyes because I did not want to force Markus to read.  I just want peace at home and to choose my battles.  Getting him to do homework at 9 at night is not a fight I want to choose.  Bedtime should be soothing and calming.

Do other marriages go through this? I wish i knew other couples secrets as well.

First Day of school and am I the only one not doing a happy dance?

This morning went rather smoothly.  I was awoken at 6am by my sister's random text messages.  My phone would not stop dinging.  At least I got up early, got dressed, had coffee and go kids dressed.  Markus mentioned that he was a little nervous.  "That is understandable" I said while drinking my morning coffee.  I put on Wild Kratts for them and fed them breakfast.  I got their rain jackets and boots ready for them.  First day of school and it is raining! Oh well, I packed them in the car early so I would avoid the parking frenzy, especially on rainy days.

Immediately once we got there Markus was greeted with kids that he knew and were in his class.  We got the teacher's name and he stood in line, while Sonja splashed in the puddles.  I was feeling a bit dizzy with all the commotion, parents trying to figure out what class their kids are in, kids running around as if they never had the long break in the first place and younger siblings crying and wondering why they were not going to school as well.

It helped that we already knew some people going in.  But, as that bell rang and I hugged and kissed Markus good bye, he suddenly did not seem happy any more.  He said bye solemnly to Sonja and walked sluggishly in.  I wondered what had happened.  Did that kid behind him say something to him? did his nerves get the best of him? was he said to say good bye?

Sonja and I came home and I turned on the t.v and ate.  Things are quiet now.  I am not really sure what I should be doing with myself.  Things are very quiet around here now.

Some of the photos I took this morning.

Kids birthday's don't have to be perfect

We went camping at Kelso Beach for my son's 7th birthday.  He loved it! That is the important thing.  His birthday was on a Sunday, but I made it a birthday week end.  I started with him waking up on Friday morning and coming down to some gifts.  One being a very inexpensive lego table, we made ourselves.  The next day we packed for camping.  If we forgot something, we were close to home anyway.  My sister and her family came and joined us.  We could not swim in the beach because the ecoli levels were deemed too high and it was said that we could enter at our own risk.  We let the kids dip their feet in.  That was good enough.  The sand was hard and did not feel nice between the toes.  The kids threw sand in each other's hair.  Oh well! I was going to enjoy smacking the sand off of them when we got into the car and hearing them shout "ouch, aghhh, owwww" then I would say "well, you should not have been throwing sand at each other".  Kids, loved every aspect of it: the sunny hot day, the coarse and burning sand, the dirty water, even being smacked down to get rid of the sand before getting in the hot, boiling car.  They enjoyed the hotdogs and unhealthy snacks.  Food that when we go camping, we just "put up with".  They ran around the field as the sun was going down and daddy was trying to light a fire and I was running after the kids trying to spray bug spray on them and myself.  They would sit and roast marshmallows and then say they don't like hot marshmallows and either throw it in the fire or give it to one of us.  For us, camping is a lot of work, especially for two nights!  with the possibility of rain and thunderstorms.  We pack, set up tent and food, feed everyone, get fire going, clean, pack, get int tent and sleep all to do it again the next day.

I was glad my son was so easy to please.  We had one couple friend with two kids come and join us at the camp site.  We had burgers, fruit, snacks and cake and gifts for my son.  In the evening, once our friends and my sister and her family left.  It started to hail and rain hard.  Tom's family piled into the tent and we waited it out.  At around 10pm, we realized that this weather would be all night, so we left our tent and belongings and went home.  We had a shower and all of us in our pj's in my son's room, watching the storm.  That was my favourite part of the week end.  Once we all fell asleep and slept well.  We woke up, got ready to go and went back to the campsite for a late breakfast, early lunch.  Let the kids play before we packed up everything and went to the beach.  We left and at home, we had the kids wash our car, while we unpacked, did laundry etc.  What a busy week end!!!

The point is my son had a wonderful birthday without the big playground, the gourmet food, all the friends (he only has 2) that we keep in touch with over the summer.  But, he had the "best birthday ever!" he said.  He ran around, tired himself out, went to the beach, got to be with his cousins.  All in all, it was a great birthday for him and very inexpensive for us.  Win win! All kids really want is to know they are special on that day, get a cake and some presents and get to have their favourite people there.

Things I did not have to worry about:
1.food
2. loot bags
3. RSVP's from parents
4. Activities and kid games, they entertained themselves
5. Not so nice kids that don't know how to entertain themselves and say "i'm bored" a lot.
6. Fairly inexpensive over all.

Now, glad it is over and what will I do for Sonja's?....I have 6 months to decide....

My 7 yr old boy

So, my sister in law is visiting from Ireland.  She announced on Saturday that she and her boyfriend will be getting married in March in Scotland! I am so excited to plan a trip to Scotland.  I am also very happy that she is here for my son's 7th birthday on Saturday. But, it looks like my sister in law will never live in Canada ever again.  That makes me sad.  I would love for her to be close, but at least we have a place we can visit in Europe, where ever she may end up and that depends on where her husband gets an architect job.

This Saturday Markus will be 7! I can't believe it! We are going camping at Kelso beach.  It will just be family and two friends, so 15 people in total.  He wants me to make cupcakes.  I asked if he wanted me to buy a cake and he said no.  He would rather have cupcakes, homemade.  Smart boy.  I just hope my pink eye goes away by Saturday.

Now, that he is 7, he says "blah blah blah" more often to me when I ask him to do something around the house.  He pretends he cannot hear me when he can when I call his name to clean his room or help me.  He walks in the house with his shoes on and gets mad if I don't let him play xbox.  He likes time alone and says words like "seriously?!" and "no way?!" It's really quite great. Sigh 7 yr olds! what's not to love?

At the same time, he can be caring and sensitive.  Yesterday we lost Sonja in the mall and Markus jumped into action to help us look for her. This was after seeing the Minions movie.

I can't wait for his birthday to come and go and for him to be another year older.

10 reasons why I can't complain

Well, my mother is gone back to Germany.  My son finished school. It got me thinking about how lately I have been a bundle of worry and anxiety.  I would think what will I do with my kids this summer?! Markus's birthday is coming up, will it be a good birthday, even though we are just going camping with the family?! My mother has spent more time with my sister than me?! Will this summer be as good as last?! I have one more year before Sonja starts kindergarten, what will i do for work and when do I look for work and what work will i look for?! Oh my god, I will be 37 this year!!!!!

Anyway, today is officially the first day of summer vacation.  My kids are upstairs on starfall and playing.  We had breakfast together and later we will go to the library and see what programs are available and then to the supercenter to buy some groceries.  As I was getting out of the shower with this list of things to do in my mind, I felt calm and happy.  I can't complain.  I have it good.  So, I am not working, but I am with my children, one school age and one who has a year to go yet.  Markus's birthday will be okay, he really just cares about cake and camping and his cousin will be there.  So, I thought since my last few posts were kind of on the down side.  I would write a list of why I have it good and how lucky I feel:

1. I have one more year to spend time with Markus and Sonja.  In that time, I will do crafts with them, reading exercises, programs at the leisure centre, sports centre and swimming lessons and gymnastics.  These are all things I can look forward to and know I have the time to drive them around and get them involved in the community or at least to attend certain programs.

2. My husband Tom does not pressure me and on some level he is happy that I am at home.  He has said I make his life easier with me here for the kids and he doesn't have to worry and I don't have to worry about the well being of our children.  They are fine.  Tom is working and he likes his job. We are able to go somewhere every week end and spend quality time together as a family.  These moments are fleeting and it will change, but we are lucky that we have them at all and we can cherish them now, while the kids are young and there is time.  But, time will run out and at least we can look back one day and say. Man, this was worth it!

3. I live in an area with parks and splash pads are plentiful.  There is a lot to do that is free for the kids. There is a lot of activities, a lot of conservation areas.  It is a great place to keep fit and healthy.

4. I took Markus to see the inside out movie.  It was just the two of us.  We both loved the movie and we had a great time.  I was thankful to spend this time with him where he still wants me around and says that he loves me.  We really loved the movie.  He still talks about it.

5.  Sonja and Markus are both getting bigger, they can entertain themselves now.  They play wonderfully together.  I have time to write this post and I do have more time now to myself.  They are not the type of kids that fight with each other and they have a good relationship.  I hope it continues throughout life.

6, The basement is finished.  Things are starting to get done around the house.  With the help of Tom's dad, together they are building a purgala to provide shade in the back yard.  I am seeing improvements in the garden and the kids can sit and watch a movie in the basement comfortably. I am starting to like this home and the amount of work we have put into making it a happy home.

7. I am thankful that we have the money to travel and that we were in Jamaica, Boston, Germany (with just Markus, Sonja did not exist yet) and Vancouver (again just Markus), Myrtle Beach, Washington, Pinehurst camp grounds (Sonja will not remember any of this, but she will have the pictures).  We plan on going to Vermont this summer with friends that I have known since high school.  If our kids do not get along, at least Markus and Sonja will have their cousins there by their sides.

8. I am grateful that we do have social media and I can keep in contact with family and friends that are far away and I could try to reach out even more.  If I do have a dark day, I can go to social media and learn that I am not alone and others may feel the same way I do about friendship and motherhood.  So, I am grateful for websites such as circle of moms, miltonmoms, the friendship blog with Irene, netmoms and many more.

9. Colour.  I look around my place and it is filled with bright colours such as oranges and blues and yellows and bayish, purple's and greens's.  Art work and crafts that I do and from my kids fill the walls, I keep all of it in a shoe box at the top of the shelve and one day, I will go through it with my grown kids and they will remember.  I will keep everything and turn it into pieces of beautiful art that will one day fill their homes.

10. Finally, I do feel happy for everyone I have known, past and present.  Some people caused me pain but they still helped shape me in some form.  Some people, I may have caused pain and I wish I could take it back, but I did not know any better and my intentions were never to hurt.  As I get older, I will not repeat the same mistakes and I will learn from them and I am sorry to whomever I caused pain, but it helped shape me and forced me to see.  I will never forget my past friendships that are no more and have long withered away as time goes on.  It is to these people I have learned and found meaning in my path and why I am here.  I am glad for having known each and everyone that I no longer speak with, but I still think about.  I am forever grateful that each one was with me in my life during a time that I needed him/her the most. Now, in my mind, I set these people free and know that at a time, the friendship was valuable and good and enriched me somehow.  Now, it may be gone, but I look forward and welcome who may enter into the next phase of my life.  I welcome it more so now than ever before with open and welcoming arms.

Healing from a Narcissistic Mother

I have felt guilty and did not know why.  I have felt "not good enough" as a mother, employee, person and I could not understand why.  I have had my insecurities as young as I can remember and I thought I was always to blame. I did not feel worthy of love.  Therefore, as a teenager and young adult I would seek it elsewhere.  When I was 13, my mother let a boy who was 16 and kicked out of his home live with us.  She always wanted to look like a do gooder in front of others.  She wanted to be the "cool" mom of the neighbourhood.  The kind of mom who helps others out.  Well, in that time that he lived with us, he made advances at me and I admit, one night I snuck downstairs and he took my virginity.  Do I regret it years later? yes.  Now, that I have a daughter, I want' to prevent that from happening to my family.  I will worry about the feelings of my husband and children but what others think of me does not matter.  It took me a long time to realize this.  I still struggle today because growing up, I often heard "no one else does that" or "what would others think".  If I cried I was looked at as the problem and was ignored.  My twin sister on the other hand was dotted upon, she could do no wrong.  Her accomplishments were rewarded and mine were diminished.  But, if I failed at something, I seemed to get more attention.  It almost confirmed my mother's feelings that I was a failure and her tone would change.  I sometimes felt that she enjoyed it when I failed or was sad.  I was the Scapegoat and my sister the Golden child.  I realized this today.

Last night, something did not feel right to me and this morning it was confirmed, when my mother called me at 7pm and implied to my husband that she had tried to call me all day.  Then, with me on the phone, she told me to call her during the day and that she was free.  Then she talked to my daughter and told me out of all her grandchildren, she likes my daughter the most.  Yesterday, she called once and that was 2 minutes before she called my husband's phone.  Anyway, today, I called her and she told me that I woke the baby (she is taking care of my sister's child).  Then, she let me go because she had no time to talk.  This evening, I called my sister and they were going to Costco, without our mother, she was tired.  But, she said she would like to go.  So, I said, we could go this week end.  Without answering me, she said I could go during the week with Yoshe (sister).  It doesn't have to me this week end.  Then, she let me go, she was too tired.  She did not consider my feelings and that I may like to go and it would give us plans this week end.  She dismissed me and went straight to Yoshe.

I did a lot of research today on Narcissism and I was raised by a narcissist.

I began to grief the loss I feel.  My relationship is not what I thought.  She blamed me and made sure I took the blame and denied any feelings I had.  She was able to criticize but the moment I criticize her or tell her genuine feelings, she can not handle it and will end the conversation.  This is typical behaviour of a narcissist.  I began to cry.  I am 36 and I don't know who I am.  But, I do feel relief that I now understand the emotional abuse I went through and the reasons I always felt guilty.  On the outside to others, she looked like a wonderful mother, who just happened to have a "bad seed" daughter.  Well, I will not confront her.  She lives in Germany, so there is no point.  I am glad she does.  But, in my mind today, there was a death of the relationship I thought I had with her and now know that it was not real, it was insincere and dishonest.  I have to heal on my own and on my terms.  Do I seek therapy?  I don't know.

Here are a few links to the websites I viewed today and the characteristics of a narcissistic mother, which my mother exhibits nearly everyone.  She is sensitive...to her feelings but not to mine. That is one characteristic.  So here you go:

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parent
http://echorecovery.blogspot.ca/2013/08/healing-from-narcissistic-mother.html


I write for myself.  Myself to heal.  I hope this helps.

My mother and I

My mom is visiting from Germany.  She is staying with my twin to help her take care of her kids, walk her son to and from school and take care of the baby.  That sort of thing while my sister and her husband work.  She stays with them during the week and sees me on weekends.  She is only here for a month.  This week end she was with me.  We fought.  We can't seem to get along.  Sometimes, I made our relationship look great to others, but the reality is that I had problems with her since I can remember and it just gets worse as I got older.  It makes me sad.  I try to analyze why? why? I have looked up on google "Narcissistic moms".  Yet, she does not have all the characteristics of a narcissist.  Then, I wonder if I am one.  I, as well do not have all the characteristics, but to an extent, we all hold a few.  I do think that, I did have an expectation this week end and when it did not go as planned, I felt disappointed. Here is a run down of the troubles that we encountered this week end:

1. She convinced me to buy a hair colour that was not really the one I wanted.  When I told her the one I did want, she snapped "oh c'mon! that would not look good at all!"  So, when we died my hair, there was no difference.  I died it my natural colour and it may have covered the one or two grey hairs that I did have.
2. I asked her if she wanted to see dad's grave this weekend.  She told me she would call a friend, because a friend of hers had asked her to see dad's grave.  So, I planned that we go to Tom's folks, then we go to her friends and then to dad's grave.  As we were in the car driving, she told us that she did not phone her friend.  When I asked why.  Her tone became angry right away "When have I had time?!" 
3. Then, for Sunday, I wanted to take her to a place where we can walk, have a picnic, check out the falls and then after that go to Starsky's and have a wine and cheese and buy cutlets for dinner.  But, she invited my in laws over to work on the deck, gardening for early afternoon.  I had also invited a friend of my son's, but if we had to go earlier now, the friend would not go as it would be to early for them.  So, I told my mom that I have to text my friend.  My mom said "I don't even want to go with them" and I told her that I was more or less doing it for my son, just like I am have my in laws over for my mother.  My mom lost it, she was so angry with me.  My husband said that he could call and cancel and my mother yelled "Don't you dare! if you do, I will not come to visit you anymore! EVER!" So, I said no, I just wish you would have asked if it was okay before making plans with them.  It turned out well, but all through out the walk, she was upset.  She walked slowly.  She would not look at me.  She talked to my husband. But, I was always keeping them aware of the timing.
4. We have different memories of my childhood.  She remembers my twin being the one in special ed and they had to fight for her to do better in school.  She did well in school inspite of the school system, not because of it.  I remember being in special ed as well and for the same length of time that twin was.  I remember dropping out of math and my mother was sleeping and did not bat an eye lash, yet she says she was angry and did not like it.  Either way, she invalidates my feelings and I can not even tell my husband or kids of my childhood because my memories according to my mother never happened.  It is very confusing.
5. She was comparing my son to my daughter and talked about how much she loved my daughter, right in front of my son. My son did not even give her a hug good bye.  But, my mom did not come to me to give me a hug either

The worst part is, that I know she may feel sad but, she would still feel that I had wronged her.  I could have softened my tone, that is true.  I felt mean with her as well.  I felt there were some things that I could have let go.  She told me I was like her mother.  But, I know how much she hates her mother. I know she thinks I am an awful daughter who keeps wronging her.  I try to think about how it got so bad and my husband said that somewhere along the lines in my childhood, things happened, but she is also responsible for the relationship she has with me.  It is what it is.  It takes two people to have a relationship and it is never just one sided.  So, when a relationship goes awry, it is never just one person.  Especially in a mother/daughter relationship.  Therefore, since she came first, she had a hand in how she chose this relationship to go.  

She has a good one with my twin sister.  I wonder why it is so different.  Perhaps, my sister tried to please her more, listened more, was easier to handle.  All of these things, which she has told me. 

I cried last night.  It has been a bad week.  The weather has not helped much either.  I cried because I worry that my relationship with my kids may be like it is with my mother.  I want a good relationship with them.  I love them more then anything.  I would like to think that if they got annoyed with me or irritated that I would not jump on them for the tone they used.  I would like to think that I would be stronger than that and understand that no matter what my children say and do and at any age, they need my love, not my anger, resentment or hate, but they need my love, respect and to know that they can do what ever they want and I will always go to hug them and love them more than ever.  I think my dad understood that.  I was awful to him.  I wish I could take it all back and say I am sorry and that I miss him and that I love him and that I know he did the best he could with what he had at the time.  But, no matter how I treated him, he did not make me feel bad or guilty.  He just loved me.  I hope I will do the same for my children.  That is the strength that it takes as a parent.

Depression

Am I depressed?  I have homework to do, but instead I am searching the web to find the answers as to why I feel this way.  I feel angry with my husband.  I feel he does not care about me and that he could turn on me in a moment.  We were up fighting last night.  It all started because after the kids went to bed, I wanted to let him know how I felt about the IKEA thing.  I wanted to spend time with him, just to get away.  I was angry that it felt as if though he did not feel the same.

At the same time, I felt apprehensive about leaving the kids with my mother and sister as I do not trust them.  My mother is narcissistic. I may be a bit as well.  I may have inherited that quality.  I don't know.  But, I do know, that I do not like my mother very much.  My mistake was in telling her about my argument with my husband last night.  She tells me the problem is me and that since I am at home I have to be a better housewife.  She compares my husband to my brother in law and that my brother in law will never make as much money as my husband.  That is when I got mad, because I don't want to compare husbands.  I fight with my husband every time my mother visits from Germany.  Every time, I get anxiety.  I feel my husband does not understand that, or maybe he does and he sees an opportunity to use my anxiety against me and makes me feel that he is on my mother's side.  Perhaps, I married a narcissistic person because I was raised by one.

I think for the first time in my life, I contemplated suicide.  I looked up websites about when people make that final decision and how they come to that decision.  I thought about it seriously and then how do people do it? what about when children are involved.  Are the children the only ones that love me?  Then I think are my feelings even "real?" My husband tried to tell me that I am crazy and should be handled like a mental person.  That comment made me crazy!

Here is what I know:

• Rejection
• hopelessness
• pain
• lost
• isolated
• numb
• exhausted
• lonely
• i don't matter and that my feelings may not even be "real" but they seem "real" but maybe they are not and I am crazy.
• feeling of wanting to give up, helplessness
• Anger, lots of it.

What should I do? Where do I go? 

Part 2: 10 reasons that stay at home moms are not allowed to complain.

Here are the reasons, I have come to realize why I am not allowed to complain, especially to my own family.

1. People assume that if you stay home, you chose to stay at home and quit a high paying job to do so.  But, if you stay home, it is because hubby makes enough so you don't have to and that is pretty great to be thought of as financially well off.  However, it is not always a choice.  In my circumstance, I will break it down:

• Lack of family support
• Only a little money would go into my account after daycare was paid, it was not worth it to be away from my kids for at the end of a pay cheque, I only get $30.00 a day out of it or less.
• I never had a high paying job to begin with and I did not have a lot of working experience, therefore, i did not have a high skill set, so all I was equipped for was retail, secretarial etc
• We made sacrifices, hubby and I don't spend time together, we don't do romantic getaways, we don't go on a lot of vacations, maybe for a week once every two years.  Instead we may do day outings with play places for the kids, nature walks, get memberships to conservation areas. We may do a dinner with the two of us once every 7 or 8 months, where the kids go to the grandparents for a sleep over.  Hubby does all home renovations and improvements himself and with his dad.

2. I should be happy because there is no greater joy then being with your kids and they grow so fast.  These will be rewarding years for them.  Well, it is true.  I feel lucky, I can watch my children grow and I know it is fleeting, which is why I love it when they choose to come into my bed at night and sleep with me.  It won't be forever! However, I sometimes feel I need a break.  I am always with my kids.  I think they need a break from me! I feel lonely and isolated a lot.  I can not talk to my mom or sister...well...because of the reasons I am writing this list.  My mom felt she always had to work because my dad was not a fix it guy and he had a disability preventing him from doing a lot of higher paying jobs, but he was intelligent and university educated which my mother is not. My mother always struggled to raise us financially with the little they had and I do not struggle financially the same way.  Yes, I am lucky! but, I am lonely, irritable, frustrated and feel isolated and like I bother hubby because I want to talk to him about ANYTHING really, I just want someone to talk back instead of ME being the only one talking at people and my children are wonderful but are still too young for conversations surrounding politics, hypotheticals and science.

3. Again, I should feel happy because my husband takes care of us and works for this family to survive.  Well, how would you like it if every time you were in a fight, he would throw it in your face that he makes the money.  He doesn't actually say that, but yesterday over the shelves he said he was not taking me to IKEA, even though for me it meant that we could have time with just each other while my mom and sister watched the kids.  He decided he did not want to go!  He buys a bunch of crap online without asking because it is his money, but he will notice if I overspend on something.  When in a fight, he threatens divorce and says that he doesn't see any motivation in me and does not think I can do anything, that I need him but he doesn't need me.  He says this knowing that I only have my mother and sister and both of them would be on his side because they like him more than my brother in law because of the money he makes and the way he is able to provide for this family.  He knows that if I do complain, my mother will give me a lecture on how to be a good housewife so that does not happen like she did yesterday.

How would you like if you told your husband your insecurities, fears, and frustrations about your abilities, your resentment towards your own family, your most inner feelings and then he would expose them to your own family, to make you lose it and then you come out looking crazy?! You can't trust your husband with your heart because he will use it against you in a fight, yet when kids come home, I am forced to smile and not put them through that.  My kids will never know my loneliness.  What about when hubbies parents come over and start gardening and working and I am left alone to entertain kids again on week ends, when that is all I do during the week as well.  Then, he condescends me in front of parents and he knows I will not say anything because then I will make things awkward. 

• No romantic connection
• Husband who is a bully but is able to fix house, financially responsible, ability to communicate effectively and looks very good in the eyes of others
• No sympathy or support from old fashioned mom and sister
• No support or concern for my interests and help in trying to make me a better person (that will have to wait until both kids are in school and I can work on it on my own).

4.  I should be happy because I am in the safety of my home and I do not have to deal with the politics and bullying in many workplaces. However, what people do not realize is that the longer you are at home without support or concern from others, the more isolated I become (not everyone is this way).  So, you tend to lose your communication skills.  It is hard to explain things accurately and effectively and you are not as articulate as you once were.  I may know that I am angry, frustrated, husband has been a bully and neglected me yet again.  But, it is hard for me to describe or articulate to someone else even a professional on what happened and why I am feeling this way.  I may have been manipulated by husband because he took thoughts and feelings I revealed to him and used them against me or put them in another context.  Also, the embarrassment I feel because on the outside to others we look good, a good looking family.  So, how do I articulate what as happened in a fight other than a bunch of words were said, but I don't know what they were.  He will always come out the winner based on my confusion of the events because of the words I had once said and switched and turned around and put into a context that he came up with.

5. I shouldn't complain because other people have it worse.  Yes, I know! I was not really trying to compare, but....ahhhh....never mind.....I just feel sad okay!

6. I shouldn't complain because I have beautiful children that need me.  That is true, my children are beautiful, when they are sleeping, when they are in good moods, when I am in a good mood, when they are invited to birthday parties, when they feel a part of a group, when  the sun is shinning.  But, not, when they are screaming because I gave them vanilla cake instead of chocolate, when I was a second late at the bus stop, when I won't let my son have video games and when they JUST DO NOT WANT TO GO TO BED!

7. I shouldn't complain because I get to work on my parenting and I have a lot of time such as writing this blog.  This is true.  Except for when I am cleaning, when they are crying and I have a pounding headache, when they are telling me I am a bad mommy.  Mothers in general need a lot of self control when dealing with a 6 yr old temper tantrum. I have to cook, cleaning never ends and I do not get a thank you, nor do I ever get flowers and nor will my husband ever give me a compliment telling me I am beautiful or a good mother or my food.  My husband has the personality type where criticism's come easier to him and he notices more what is wrong with you than what is right!  So, what am I doing all this for, I am doing it for a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old but no one really cares!

Parents judge you more because they think if you are at home, you should somehow be a better mom because you have the time.  I may have more time, but I also have more frustrations, less communication skills and the skills are dying, I feel robotic and I should be programmed to love this and be thankful, I lose sense of self identity and I have to fight away self hatred on a daily basis! Then I have to still ask in the most loving way "How was school today? Anything exciting? Tell me one good thing and one bad thing!"

8. I have lots of time to work on the things I love.  This is tied into 8.  I can but I have lost sight of what that is and every week end we have my husbands parents over and they take over with gardening, with everything, making me feel in the way, because they are so quick with everything that I don't have a chance to be alone with hubby, bounce ideas off of him, when I do something such as a craft, no one notices it is there and I get "why are you doing this".  It is useless and I feel useless and he and his parents speak Polish to one another.  They ask me where they should put this and that and make me feel like I have some say when In reality I do not.  I do not even have my name on this house, because my husband told me when we bought this house that it looks bad if I sign because I am a stay at home mom.  Mean while I learned later, that lots of stay at home moms have their name listed on the house as well.  I sometimes secretly think hubby planned it that way.

9. I have a nice home, I own a lot of things that makes it a nice living environment if I am going to be home anyway.  I made it as nice as it is and no one cares.  I do not have a lot of friends that come over.  I feel that most people are strangers and I treat them as such but I am always polite.  I am very shy.  I am very anxious. I like my home and yes, I do feel lucky that I created this space and I did it for my kids and for the possibility of selling so, I can get out of this rural place.

10.  You shouldn't complain, because I would love to have what you have.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  I am sure you experience bullying at work and politics, my sister is experiencing that right now from her principal.  But, I would not tell you you don't have a right to complain because you are lucky to have a job.  I deal with bullying at home as well and house politics (yes this is also because of who I married). Here is a fact: I am lucky I don't have to RUSH back to work and that I get to experience my children. Another fact: I feel under appreciated, no skill set, lack of family support and communication skills, lack of uninterrupted time do get a resume or studying done.  During, writing this post I have been interrupted over 10 times and I started it at 8 this morning and now it is almost 11am. Another fact: I wish my marriage was different, I wish my husband was different but I still love him, can't turn it off, I just want him to love me the same as I love him, but he would rather be alone than with me.  I feel neglected and, Another fact: YES, THIS ENTIRE LIST IS A COMPLAINT.  I am NOT really SORRY!

Why stay at home moms are not able to complain Part 1

 My mother is over from Germany.  She is right now staying with my sister and helping her look after her kids for the rest of the school year.  She was over at my place for the week end, along with my sister and her kids.  Her husband was working.  With it being a grey and rainy day, all day, we stayed it and the kids played downstairs.  My husband and I were going to go out to IKEA and get some shelves for the newly finished basement.  But, my husband and I could not agree and so my husband threw his hands in the air and said "you can go without me!".  I am a nervous driver, so to go to another city by myself on the highway in high traffic was not an option and he knew that.  So, basically, it meant we were not going.  After that, the kids playing off of our emotions got excited, so I got them dressed and took them to a cafe to play in the play area and get some sugar, while I had my well deserved coffee.

My mother and sister chose sides between my husband and I and they were on hubbies side because: I am LUCKY to stay home and have what I have.  I stopped arguing, even though my mom told me how awful I look with my head band on and I could make myself look prettier, even though I was just staying home.  I kept my cool, when hubby would not walk the dog with me, although we never spent time alone.  I kept my cool, when my mother sat me down and told me how I have a role in this house, even though I am not getting paid for it, essentially how to be a good housewife so hubby doesn't leave me.  I kept my cool, when hubby escaped downstairs to watch t.v with the kids, when I found him and asked what he was doing, he was on his phone texting someone and he got very angry with me for even asking, when I wanted him to be a part of dinner prep etc and maybe defend me against my mother and twin.  My twin, a teacher who thinks I am super lucky to stay home and she does not have it as good because her husband doesn't make as much money as mine.  So, I am very angry right now.  I asked hubby to put kids to bed so I could study.  A moment later, I heard yelling and I ran upstairs and kids were angry and riled up because my hubby can be a bit of a bully if not listened to, but children are children and are not always programmed to listen. So, I put one to bed and he put the other to bed, in which he fell asleep.  I went to bed feeling, sad, alone and neglected. I woke at 3am, and started listening to TED talks on infidelity and commenting on other people's posts.  Yes! I think of cheating and I know that as long as I did not tell hubby, it may be good for our marriage because he would get time alone, my needs would be met and the kids would always be with both dad and mom and we would get along when we get along and I would not ask him to be my emotional crutch for sex, validation, pillow talk.  But, he would be one I talk to about politics, computers and he gets the superficial life he desires, marriage, kids, he works on the house and does home improvements, gets a companion for things he likes and when he is sick, I will take care of him.  For everything I need, I have someone I can go out with once in a while.  It is just a fantasy.  I have not found that person and I am not sure if I ever will.  But, I do not think infidelity is the worst thing in a marriage.  Neglect and isolation is.

I have come to realize and wonder if other stay at home moms feel the same, that stay at home moms are not allowed to complain.

Chris Hadfield at the library!

  I thought it would be a great idea to take my son and daughter to the library to meet Chris Hadfield!  I have been showing my son youtube videos of Chris Hadfield in space and playing his guitar.  I showed him a youtube video of Chris singing along with the barenaked ladies.  My son knew him more as the musician other than the astronaut...well, yesterday my son was going to meet him!

However, when we got to the library it was packed with people.  It was at the Milton library and it is a small place.  We were shoulder to shoulder.  There were long lineups and huge waiting times.  That took some of the fun out of it for my son.  I could see in his eyes that he was starting to fade.  I promised him ice cream afterwards for all the standing and waiting we had to do.  But, was it worth it!!!!Yes!

First, in the library, he was introduced and then he gave a speech, which was perhaps one of the best speeches I have heard.  I will paraphrase since I can not remember the exact wording.  But, he started out by saying that he always found the question as a kid: what do you want to be when you grow up? kind of silly.  He found it silly because, at the age of 5 and up, you don't even know what jobs are out there, what even exits and all the possibilities that you have.  You could create your own job, be your own boss for all you know.  For him, at least he had the local library.  He picked out his first book on space at the age of 9.  He went on to say that one can't just pick out a book on space and say that is what I will do.  The idea of the library is to provide ideas and tools and stepping stones to get you to where you want to be.  Books, computers, articles, magazines, the library provides you with all the resources to gather information and connect with your community.  For him, he thought what is the closet thing to space for right now, so he got books on planes, flying, wheels, digital media etc.  All the books came in handy because he ended up being a pilot, which led him to being an astronaut.  He ended his speech with: if anyone asks you want you want to be when you grow up, you can say: Let me go to the library and explore all the possibilities and do some research and then I will get back to you!

I looked over at my son, sitting on one of the chairs with a drowsy face.  I don't think he got any of that.  He was so tired.  So, in the meantime of waiting to get our books signed, there were activities that the kids could do until our number was called.

The kids played some computer games.  And Sonja wanted me to carry her, but I refused and she jumped on me and ripped my black shirt exposing my white bra.  She ripped it all down the front just before our number was called.  I was so embarrassed.  I couldn't believe she was that strong.  So, I told her off and my husband was wearing a black shirt over a white one and so he agreed to give me his. I changed in the bathroom, but he had sweat stains under his arms from wearing it all do.  But the alternative was to shake Chris's hand, while my white granny bra is showing.  So, I had no choice.  Thank goodness for my sweaty husband to come along and safe the evening.  Chris was way too busy to notice that I do not believe he even looked long enough at us to notice.  My son was able to muster up half a grin, but he knew he was tired.  Ice cream afterwards cheered us up and put us in a better moor. As for my shirt, that is in the garbage and my husbands shirt went straight into the wash.

Overall, even with two moody children that did not realize the extent of this moment and how exciting this was, once in a lifetime kind of experience, we all had a good time being together.  It gave us a reason to talk about his book: An astronauts guide to earth and space. As my kids get older and more interested in stuff, they will see the book he signed with our names and his and then the moment will hit them, and what a moment it was!!!!

In 10 minutes, I pick my son up from the bus stop and I wonder what stories he will have about his day and if he told anyone about yesterday and what people may have said.  Perhaps, he may have said nothing and that is perfect as well.  But, there will be stories and that is always something I look forward to as a mom and that I can count on!

What to expect when kids get to be school age

I look at my son and remember with fondness, how I used to hold him at night, sing to him until he fell asleep in my arms.  Then, I would gentle put him in his crib and watch him breath.  I remember his dad and I sitting on the floor of our condo with a distance between us as we got our son to practice walking between us at 13 months (mainly because I filmed it and put it on youtube). I remember sitting with him and doing art work, hand prints, stickers, paints, clay etc and reading stories to him.  Oh gosh, the number of books we read to him!!!!! I smile when I think about the times, I went to the shopping mall with him, playdates, the park and how he wanted to push every button we passed to open the doors or in the stores and how he would gladly follow behind me, pointing to everything and always asking why........

Then, something happened, he grew up and at 6 almost 7, he is using words such as "whatever!" and "blah blah blah" and "Okay, fine, do whatever!" when he is asked to do anything, like clean his room or brush his teeth. But, with all these moments where I have to take a deep sigh to keep my head from exploding, I love seeing his independence grow and flourish.  He is doing so well in reading and reads to his little sister, 3 yrs old. He is able to get on the computer on his own to type in the url: www.razkids.com, a reading program. And, we are able to talk to him and reason with him to an extend, sometimes so much so, that we forget that he is only 6 and so we get very angry and talk above his head without understanding he may not see the logic yet.  These things all take time.

Now, that my child is school age, here is a list of all the wonderful things and not so wonderful things to expect:

1.  Following his peers: He will come home and try out new words on us such as the F word and the S word.  He will complain about other kids over trivial things that you think as a parent: Oh really?! Seriously?! This is a huge problem?! The other day my son came home and told me that he and a kid at school were not getting along with another kid because he was a "show off" and that kid then called them a "show off".  We asked him if he knew what a "show off" was or is.  My son did not know and we explained and said their is nothing wrong with being excited about accomplishments but that can also be taken to the extreme. We gave an example that there is nothing wrong to say that we have a trampoline and then invite others over to play on it.  But, there is a difference between that and bragging.  So, it goes to show how guidance is especially needed in grade 1

2.Moodiness: Emotions are extreme.  He will be as happy as can be and playing and singing and jumping around, as busy as a bee.  But, then something, anything could set him off! "you need to come in and eat!" and he will shout and through himself on the floor (maybe) "No, but Why?!!! We just started playing!!!!" Other times, he may come in willingly and drop what he is doing and shrug shoulders and say "fine". Two days ago, he was a monkey in a the play Jumbo.  We went to see him outside.  I video taped all the song parts, but left out the speaking parts.  He was so happy that Grandma and Grandpa and we all came to see him in the play.  However, just before bed, he asked to see the video and I showed him the video I took and he became so angry because I did not film the WHOLE show all at once!  He cried and screamed and yelled.  It could have been an excuse because he did not want to go to bed or he could have been too excited from the day, it was a long day for him.  Either way, frustrated and at our wits end, his dad grabbed him, put him in the bath, put his pj's on him, brushed his teeth and then we threw him in his room and closed the door until he fell asleep.  His sister was already sleeping and his dad and I needed a stiff drink!

3. Phone calls home from the school: Not that he has behaviour problems, but  the school he goes to likes a lot of communication, which I appreciate and I certainly never got that communication when I went to school.  Teacher did not seem to care that much when I was young.  If I was bullied my parents would never know and it would make me tougher, right? If I was hit or hit someone else, my parents were never notified, it would just make us stronger and we would learn to hit back, right? If a boy hit or punched you, it was because he liked you, right? Well, thankfully, my son goes to a good school, where certain actions are not tolerated.  But, I have had phone calls because he did not follow the rules.  I suggested writing notes for him and steps and posting it on his desk as a reminder.  It worked and he has improved. I have had phone calls that he has played on his own at recess because no one would play with him because he loves minecraft and some of the kids don't know minecraft. Yesterday, he was playing soccer and he accidentally got hit in the stomach and got a little winded but he is okay.  Why, I was told that at all, I don't know, but they like to tell me everything. I got a call that he forgot that every Wednesday is gym class after recess and so went to his regular classroom after recess instead of the gym.  Now, it is getting a bit ridiculous right? Why was he by himself at 6? Why did she leave him and not have the class all go together to the gym? Anyway, I was called because he gets distracted easily and he is the last one to get ready when leaving.  Now, I wish I had more positive feedback as well.  The other day, I was told from his teacher when I picked him up from school that he has suddenly improved in his writing and reading and is no longer the last one in class to finish up.  My response to that is he is almost 7.  It is a developmental thing. Be prepared for all the WORRY and COMMUNICATION when your kids get into grade 1 (the real world thus begins).

4. Interests, Activities, Lessons: Parenting gets busier.  Now, instead of calling me mom, I am also known and will respond to chauffeur, chef, guidance counsellor, teacher and "Worst mom EVER" for not letting him play video games or keeping him inside for saying the F word. Oh, you can also call me prison guard or security guard then.
In school, they are introduced to so many things that new interests arise.  I want to encourage that, so plan activities and lessons he can join after school or on week ends to keep him busy and moving.  Movement is soooo important for 6 yr old boys, I find.  Keep them involved and moving, then they stay out of trouble.  I have him in gymnastics, which he loves and after the summer, I will get him into swimming.  But, so far, we have tried dancing, karate, swimming, kindercamps, drama, art and so far gymnastics is the only thing that has stuck.  He has asked me to go back into drama.  But, this is the time and age when the interests will get wider and they will tell you what they would like to take, lessons they want etc.  I say keep them busy to get them to develop a skill, stay out of trouble and make it easier on mom and dad.  My daughter is also in gymnastics and loves it, I am thinking of putting her in art, she loves it, but these may change once she gets to school age or it may not and could be a life long love.

5. Messy!: This is a big one for me! He is so disorganized.  He comes home and his papers are all shuffled in his bag, his duotangs are falling apart around the edges.  I have to flatten out and smooth over important newsletters from the school.  I am yelling a lot "Clean your room!" or "Put that away!" and even if they know that clothes go in the closet, he will still ask "where does this go?" Not to mention, walking in the house with muddy shoes and not thinking, mom just cleaned the floor! I laughed when I saw this being made fun of in Robert Munsch books, but it is true.  It drives you crazy!!!!
Even though his sister is three, she can still pick a fight and they start throwing things at each other.  Other times, they get a long famously and take all the dress up clothes out and then think it is a good idea to go outside in the rain in the back yard, where we have a hill and lots of mud, they play in it in the dress up clothes and then come inside, leaving me with lots of laundry and dirty floors!  When they eat, OMG!!! why can't they eat over their bowl so that rice or whatever does not go all over the table, chairs and floor?! He comes home with a library book, he bends the book while reading and I have to remind him that it has to be returned in the same condition he got it in.  Then, when it is time to return it, he loses it and can't find the book! Be prepared for MESS.  You think infants, babies, toddlers and preschoolers are bad......HA HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Wait until grade school.....Then you will know true mess.  My three yr old helps me in cleaning a lot more than my son.  But she is in the "I do it meself" phase.  How i miss those days with my son. Now, it is an argument.

Sigh....Overall, having a grade schooler is a great joy! I can talk to him and he will understand.  I told him that Chris Hadfield will be at the library on Monday and seeing his face light up with excitement was awesome! He asks higher order thinking questions.  This morning he asked "We are just waking up, but where in the world are people just going to bed?"
He will come home asking about different cultures, God and costumes from around the world.  They notice more detail and there is an innate curiosity to know more.  These are trying and frustrating times for a parent, but these are also good times and educational times.....Can't wait to see what is to come.