THIS SUCKS!!!!

I hate this feeling.  I hate being like this!  I wanted to talk to my husband about if he ever gets bored sometimes in the relationship.  I don't know why I bother.  He flipped out.  I should have expected as much.  He took the conversation to a whole new level, one I did not want to go to.  He thought I was saying that I have a crush on someone else, which I do.  But, I would never act on and it just made me realize that I want some things to change in our relationship.

I often feel that he does not like me, he does not like my stories, he shuts me up etc.  He is not warm or loving.  Yet, I can call him and ask him to pick up groceries. Fine.  I can ask him to put kids to bed. Fine. I can ask him to drive me here or there. Fine.  But, we don't really talk or enjoy our time together.  I hate that.   He often complains.  He is not really happy.

I voiced that if we talked openly and honestly, we could fix things.  I asked him if perhaps, he could allow me every Sunday between 3 and 6, my time to do karate, get a coffee break, not come home right away.  In return, I would let him have his Tuesdays to do the same.

Then I asked if there was anything he would like to change and what would it be.  He said that there is something but he will not tell me (hence the dishonesty, that has been in our relationship for 8 yrs and this fight always comes back to this because I feel the coldness) he won't tell me because, it is fundamentally who I am and he will never change it.  I know what your thinking: Well, why did he marry you in the first place and why has he not divorced you yet or why is he even with you? Trust me, I am thinking the same thing.  He plants the seed in my head, but will not give me the full truth, which leaves me guessing, drives me crazy and makes me feel that he really does not like me.  Now, the truth is (my truth) is that he is with me because we have kids.  He loves our kids and I don't have a job or family that I could go to.  So, in that aspect, it is true, he is kind of trapped.  I hate that he is trapped.  But, I hate it even more that he will not tell me what that thing is about me that he doesn't like but he has decided to settle for it!  It makes me feel like shit, especially that he will not tell me and that I can't leave him, but I know that once the kids are out of the house, he just may divorce me over this thing that he will not tell me about, and I will always wonder what it is about me?

I also know that by doing this, he is being emotionally abusive.  I want a relationship where we can talk to each other.  Where I could tell him things but I can't. I try to be open with him, tell him everything, but he will get annoyed and tell me it's stupid talk etc.  I am lost.  I am also 38 yrs old.  I fear that it is too late to find someone else. I do not have a job. I struggle with being a mom, a good one anyway, I feel like this is it.  At 38.....I will never sleep with anyone else ever again.........I will never hear the words "I LOVE YOU" and really mean it from anyone else ever again.......and I will never feel sexy and attractive in the eyes of another man ever again.........Only 38 and I am done with innocent flirting and happy relationships and possibilities for a brighter future.  This is my life.......

He could have had an opportunity to have a real open and honest heart to heart discussion about our relationship but he chose not too.........he doesn't want honesty in our relationship.........I am really heart broken about this.  I wish someone else had the answers to what I should do.  He is settling for me.  By him doing that makes me feel like shit because he has given me the little information that he doesn't like who I am, but it is what it is, he will not tell me.  He just has to put up with me.  I am sad.  I hate that he feels he has to "put up" with me and I wish I knew what it was and why he is doing this.

I lost respect for him tonight.  Why does he feel he has to stay with me when he really doesn't want to? Well, I know the answer to that, the kids, his parents........but, shouldn't that be a decision we make together and not one in which he keeps me as well in the dark?

My ADHD Child

  Markus has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.  We were afraid of him being labelled at school.  His french teachers had already started to label him.  So, we thought it would be best to get him out of the French immersion program and put him into a regular English school.  I was getting too many notes from his French teacher.  One note complained that he did not finish writing his notes in Science class, but it was taught in French.  One remark stated "he couldn't even finish writing on the computer" I did not like the "couldn't even" part of the letter.  It was almost as if the teacher forgot she was talking to the parent of her student.  She may be frustrated with this student.  But THAT student is MY child and I love him.  So, you can imagine, that did not sit well at all.  I felt it was a discouraging environment to be in.  Although, I like that the student population in that school is very small.

On Monday, week before halloween, he started going to Bruce Trails Public school with his sister.  Nearly two weeks.  He has had some struggles in adjusting.  We have had a lot of struggles at home with him fighting with us.....at just about anything. The fighting can be anything from, no tv right after school to get up in the morning and get dressed, brush your teeth etc.  These are difficult tasks for him and he gets distracted from one thing to the next.  This morning, I handed him a minecraft t-shirt to put on.  I help get Sonja dressed and when I came back, his shirt was still not on, but his mind drifted and in his mind, he was pretending he had a remote control and pretending his t-shirt was a video game with all the minecraft characters.  It was so frustrating.  Even when I said again "put that shirt on, we don't have time for this!" he replied, with a big, fat and loud "NO!" It is a daily struggle.

It breaks my heart, that he says that he is alone at recess.  At least at EW Foster, he had one friend, whom he always played with at recess.  Andrew lives down the street from us, so I told him we could still see Andrew any time.  They went trick or treating together.  I feel sad about pulling Markus away from the one friend that he had at that school.  But, I would like him to meet new people, but he struggles with making and keeping friends.  

I feel that if we support him more at home, he will be fine.  However, Tom yells at him and then expects Markus to apologize to him.  The truth is that I actually think Tom has ADHD as well, extreme moods and emotions, not thinking about what they are doing, jack of all trades, starting many jobs but never completing one, not being able to read body language or facial expressions that indicate annoyance, frustration, anger.  Tom has a hard time with being supportive and understanding. It is like I have accepted it and I know I can't ask for much in terms of support and understanding and so I feel alone.  I think Markus feels alone.  Last night, I wanted to put Markus to bed and read a book he has to for school "Thinking about ants".  Until, I heard Sonja crying.  After, we were done reading.  I told Markus that I would be right back, but I have to see why Sonja is upset.  I went to her room and she said "daddy left me alone, I don't want to be alone! he said that he would come back and he never did" I lay there with her for 10 minutes and then I told her that I have to check on Markus but I would come back in 10 minutes.  I went to check on Markus again.  We talked, he had the light on, so I turned it off again.  After 10 minutes, I told him, I have to check on Sonja.  I went to Sonja's room and she smiled at me for coming back.  I tickled her back for 5 minutes and she fell asleep.  Then, I went back to Markus and tickled his back.  

When I went downstairs to talk to Tom, he said that he did not come back because he wants them to be on their own.  I told him that he will never get their trust if he lies to them! Tom did not seem to understand the severity of what he is doing.  

Well, by morning both kids ended up in my bed.  It is a constant struggle with Markus and Tom and how he interacts with Sonja.  He can be aggressive and stand over the kids and yell with a mean and threatening look on his face to the kids and they are afraid of him.  I HAVE to interfere.  Of course, Tom complains that I interfere and I don't back him up.  But, what kind of mother would I be if I backed him up when he was being a bully?!  Now, I agree when he is mad and I agree with the reason he is mad, for example if Markus does not turn of the tv to when he is asked to come for dinner.  I quickly switch sides from Tom's side to the kids, when I see how mean Tom is with the kids, instead of parental.  This causes chaos and confusion.  My mother in law does not know that Markus has ADD and Tom does not want to tell his parents.  That makes me worry because if his parents get mad at the kids for not listening, Markus's grandpa will also say things like "I'm not going to do anything for you anymore!" and his mom will say to me "he gets away with too much, he needs a spanking!" If Tom just told his parents about ADD, they could be more understanding.  I fear we will damage that boys self esteem because we don't know what to do but insult Markus and make him feel not loved. Meanwhile, he feels like there is something wrong with him, he doesn't want to be that way but he doesn't know HOW to be another way.......

I hope someone reads this and sees that I am struggling and posts some information on ADHD and ways I can get help or ways I can help my son.  In the process, I feel guilty because I feel that I neglect Sonja.  I am lucky that they get along amazingly well with each other.  For that I am blessed, truly blessed. 

I would love to hear stories of people who are experiencing or have experienced these same issues, and what to do about it......I need to feel not alone right now.......

!0 things my husband has said to insult me.

1. He asked if a long time friend of the families "Frank" whom I had not spoken to in nearly a year, but one day he called me up and wanted to see me.  On boxing day, just before we were to leave the house.  Tom said "how do you think Frank thinks of you?" and "do you actually look at him as a friend?" and "do you think that he may not always like have the same conversations over and over again, about your dad? and your childhood?"  Meanwhile, Frank mentioned my dad by saying I miss him. He was my dad's best friend.  My dad was tragically hit by a car and eventually lost his life 4 yrs ago.  I don't know why Tom said it, other than to make me feel bad.  Not to mention, that during the time of my dad's death.  Tom did not sit with me endlessly in ICU, hoping and hoping he would make it.  Instead, he worked and worked some more.  Other than driving me around, he really wasn't that great to me during that time and neither were his parents.

2. When I asked him, what he would like for dinner, he said "Chicken Parmessan" I laughed and said sarcastically "yeah, I will get right on that!" Then he said "I am thinking of other things to say that would be impossible for you to make." Meanwhile, I have made fancy dishes many times before, but he does not remember it or would not say anything nice if he did notice it.

3. When I wanted to paint the basement wall, he made a comment that we would not last, our marriage because I can not paint and he did not paint with me and did not want to paint with me.

4. He said when I came to him with the idea at my son's request to build a giant lego guy in our son's room.  He said that he would do it because he wants it accurate and he knows I would not do a good job.  He wants the exact measurements. That I can understand, but when I wanted to paint in the black and outline, he said he doesn't want me to screw it up.

5. He has said over and over again in our marriage that he does not think I can do anything.  I am dependent on him. He does not trust me.

6.  In front of our son, he said that he does not trust me and he does not believe me.  He said this in regards to me helping our son with building lego.

7.