I hate this feeling. I hate being like this! I wanted to talk to my husband about if he ever gets bored sometimes in the relationship. I don't know why I bother. He flipped out. I should have expected as much. He took the conversation to a whole new level, one I did not want to go to. He thought I was saying that I have a crush on someone else, which I do. But, I would never act on and it just made me realize that I want some things to change in our relationship.
I often feel that he does not like me, he does not like my stories, he shuts me up etc. He is not warm or loving. Yet, I can call him and ask him to pick up groceries. Fine. I can ask him to put kids to bed. Fine. I can ask him to drive me here or there. Fine. But, we don't really talk or enjoy our time together. I hate that. He often complains. He is not really happy.
I voiced that if we talked openly and honestly, we could fix things. I asked him if perhaps, he could allow me every Sunday between 3 and 6, my time to do karate, get a coffee break, not come home right away. In return, I would let him have his Tuesdays to do the same.
Then I asked if there was anything he would like to change and what would it be. He said that there is something but he will not tell me (hence the dishonesty, that has been in our relationship for 8 yrs and this fight always comes back to this because I feel the coldness) he won't tell me because, it is fundamentally who I am and he will never change it. I know what your thinking: Well, why did he marry you in the first place and why has he not divorced you yet or why is he even with you? Trust me, I am thinking the same thing. He plants the seed in my head, but will not give me the full truth, which leaves me guessing, drives me crazy and makes me feel that he really does not like me. Now, the truth is (my truth) is that he is with me because we have kids. He loves our kids and I don't have a job or family that I could go to. So, in that aspect, it is true, he is kind of trapped. I hate that he is trapped. But, I hate it even more that he will not tell me what that thing is about me that he doesn't like but he has decided to settle for it! It makes me feel like shit, especially that he will not tell me and that I can't leave him, but I know that once the kids are out of the house, he just may divorce me over this thing that he will not tell me about, and I will always wonder what it is about me?
I also know that by doing this, he is being emotionally abusive. I want a relationship where we can talk to each other. Where I could tell him things but I can't. I try to be open with him, tell him everything, but he will get annoyed and tell me it's stupid talk etc. I am lost. I am also 38 yrs old. I fear that it is too late to find someone else. I do not have a job. I struggle with being a mom, a good one anyway, I feel like this is it. At 38.....I will never sleep with anyone else ever again.........I will never hear the words "I LOVE YOU" and really mean it from anyone else ever again.......and I will never feel sexy and attractive in the eyes of another man ever again.........Only 38 and I am done with innocent flirting and happy relationships and possibilities for a brighter future. This is my life.......
He could have had an opportunity to have a real open and honest heart to heart discussion about our relationship but he chose not too.........he doesn't want honesty in our relationship.........I am really heart broken about this. I wish someone else had the answers to what I should do. He is settling for me. By him doing that makes me feel like shit because he has given me the little information that he doesn't like who I am, but it is what it is, he will not tell me. He just has to put up with me. I am sad. I hate that he feels he has to "put up" with me and I wish I knew what it was and why he is doing this.
I lost respect for him tonight. Why does he feel he has to stay with me when he really doesn't want to? Well, I know the answer to that, the kids, his parents........but, shouldn't that be a decision we make together and not one in which he keeps me as well in the dark?
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